You will see how I fail in this whole thing and that is by trying to be a co-parent. By thinking that my ex and I were on the same page as how to parent the kids. I was a fool due to my lack of understanding about parental alienation. I did all the wrong things in the letter below, I tried to explain my actions, I tried to explain how her actions effect the children and both were a mistake on my part.
As you can see in Lindas reply, it only makes her angry, she become defensive and then starts on the attack. She attacks Jan, attacks me, threatens court and to even move the boys from their school and all the time she blames me. She goes away from discussing the kids and into a theme about Linda, it all turns to Linda and how well she is doing without me. This in turn leads her to escalating the PA and bad mouthing me in front of the kids.
This letter started out from a issue at my oldest sons football game. Linda had the boys this week and so my wife Jan and I were sitting in the stands. The JH Principal brought Colton up to me and he was very upset. He asked me if I was Colton father and I said yes I was. He informed me to watch my kids and not let them run wild at the game. That he had told Colton to stay off the playing field behind the stands twice. Now I needed to control him. I said ok and thank you. I told Colton (then 8 years old) to sit down and he informed me that is was not my week and that he didn’t have to do anything I said! So…I pulled him up, grabbed him by the nap of his neck and marched him down to his mother and told her what happened. Linda then attacked me and said I was abusive and again that it was not my week. (All this while my other son Dakota watched and he even said that I had nothing to say, it was not my week.) She even called to local police man over because of this. I told him what happened and he said it’s your kid, you can spank him if you want. At this point I just walked away and return to my seat, embarrassed for what had just taking place.
In Lindas reply in this letter look carefully on how she makes me out the bad guy while claiming to be the victim. Explianing how she is going so well and yet filed bankrupcey because she spent all the money I gave her on houses, gambling and fast cars.You ask yourself, was she, is she mentally stable?
From: Yakimaclark@aol.com [mailto:Yakimaclark@aol.com]
Sent: Saturday, October 08, 2005 8:26 AM
Subject: Re: Boys
Great E-mail!!!. I do tell the boys to respect their father and adults. [Bruce Clark] that is untrue. Colton just told the principle and me last night that he doesn’t have to. I think the boys are rebelling because of your household being a military camp, with camera's etc. [Bruce Clark] You are the one that brings that up and it was very eye opening when they felt they were being watched even if I was not in the house. It seems if I’m not in front of them they have no accountability. I was at the game about 7:05 7:10 at the latest.[Bruce Clark] well that is still late when you are suppose to have the boys and according to them I have no say in what they do when it’s your week. [Bruce Clark] If that is true then you better be responsible enough to get to the game on time. Perhaps this is why the boys are late getting to school I left the game when it was over.[Bruce Clark] Did you see Josh and Kaleb after the game? I was there, didn’t see you I told Dakota to tell you before the game was over that they were going home with me.[Bruce Clark] he had told me that before when I took him to the game. He came up to say he was leaving and to say good bye. Today I'm picking up corsages and shirts. [Bruce Clark] that is part of being a parent Kaleb is afraid of you to ask for help.[Bruce Clark] why would he ask me? He is with you this week. If it were my week I’d make sure arrangements were made. (before I finished this he called and asked me to take his girlfriend home after the dance) It thought it would be easier. I told him to talk to you about his plans for homecoming. [Bruce Clark] I told you what he told me As far as my plans I asked a week in advance about this weekend.[Bruce Clark] and I told you we had plans to move stuff from OR. You made your plans before I even knew or tried to change ours Last year I had them for homecoming and took care of everything. [Bruce Clark] that is what I would have done also You agreed to take the boys until you found out that it was home coming and you didn't have their help to help you and Jan.[Bruce Clark] wrong again, but you always seem to get a dig in about how hard the boys work around me. I said that would work until I found out about the dance that was Saturday night and not Friday after the game. We would have taken them all to the ranch and yes they would have had to help load stuff but we also planned to do some hunting and fishing there. That all changed because you bought tickets and told me you made plans and would be gone Saturday night. So I had to change my plans again. I'm sorry it screwed up your plans. [Bruce Clark] Why do you say that if you thought is was ok with me?I have taken the boys in the past for plans that you have had and you know it. [Bruce Clark] My plans are work, I have meetings that I can’t control. I have never put my personal life ahead of the boys. When they are here, we make plans around them and for them I have driven them to school and picked them up in the past also and you know it.[Bruce Clark] you don’t understand, you think once in awhile is a huge deal for you. You have Josh doing all the running around and driving for you. Don't blame this all on me,[Bruce Clark] Your attitude towards me and Jan and disciplining the kids is your fault it's very hard for the boys to deal with a new stepmom and all your rules.[Bruce Clark] See? All those rules. Your attitude is against rules in our house. You use that and try to make the boys believe that it’s extreme to have rules and be expected to follow them I don't condone their behavior, I try.[Bruce Clark] your actions do. You say one thing and then do another. They never know where you stand so when you say something it goes in one ear and out the other If it's such a burden on you I will make sure they get to school and catch the bus but I guess It'll have to be in my school dist.[Bruce Clark] It not a burden so don’t put words into my mouth. You need to make sure the are up in time to get to school I do get the boys up and make sure they have breakfast, homework and papers filled out that they need. [Bruce Clark] That is not correct, Colton had breakfast here this last week As far as bed time with all the sports practices by the time they get to my house to eat and do homework, etc., sometimes it is late when they go to bed. [Bruce Clark] Colton has his homework done here before he leaves. They all should be down to your house by 6:30 and half an hour gets the work done. I do try I know you don't believe that.[Bruce Clark] I know that is false. You may believe you work at it but when the boys are watching TV until late at night, that has nothing to do with sports, homework or dinner. It has everything to do with you having no guidelines or control over them What is your solution to this??[Bruce Clark] For you to become a parent that has their best interest in mind and not one of appeasement. True love sets goals, standards, rules and it takes love to stick to them I think Jan is having a hard time dealing with four boys. [Bruce Clark] Jan is not your concern, I do think you have a hard time with Jan Your Mom told me last yr that Jan had mentioned that she has raised her kids and doesn't want to raise anymore,[Bruce Clark] Do I need to call mom and ask her about this? but she didn't plan on falling in love with a man with four kids.[Bruce Clark] That may be very true, but she did and she does love the boys or she would have a (I don’t care attitude towards them) and not one of caring about how they eat and how the respect each other Show a little love for them. [Bruce Clark] Love is not letting them stay up late. It has everything to do with caring about them and giving them guidelines that will help them develop into the great young men they can become I gave them cell phones so they could get in touch with someone if needed esp with the sports schedule that they all have. They are not to be used to gab on......I would gladly trade that the boys are in my school dist and around my area [Bruce Clark] you chose to move further away from their school not closer, that was your choice and see how things would go if they had to commute from your house to here. Think about it.[Bruce Clark] I have. The thought that you would disrupt their school arrangements so as to make it easier on you, shows that you don’t care about what is best for the boys but what is easiest for Linda. The boys have grown up in this school district and have their friends here. They have done well in school for the most part. For you to threaten to move them to a city school is very alarming to me. You could have moved closer to the boys school to make it easier on them but to didn’t, that wasn’t a priority when looking at location. I have a job that I have to be at daily, I don't work out of the house and not have a set time schedule like you or Jan.[Bruce Clark] have no idea what you are leading to with that. I think the boys are starting to stand up to all this,[Bruce Clark] standing up to what? They are just confused about how to conduct themselves because the week they go to your house they have no one to answer to they hate this arrangement. [Bruce Clark] what are you saying? Let the children decide what is best for them? What kind of parent is that? Ask the boys what they would like to do to resolve this.[Bruce Clark] are you asking me if the boys would rather have rules and be accountable for their behavior or to run free with no rules? Ask them if they would rather eat vegetables with their meals or just have pizza. Ask them if they want chores to do or if they would rather watch TV? They are children I’m sure they would rather stay up all night and watch TV instead of having a set bed time that doesn’t allow them to stay up and watch late night programs Sorry it's not a perfect world. I have never told the boys that they didn't have to answer to you during my week.[Bruce Clark] then why would Colton and Dakota tell me other wise? That's false they are told to respect us, but on the other hand you proved to the whole community last night the true person that you are. [Bruce Clark] That I care about their behavior? You lost control and you don't like that.[Bruce Clark] How in the world did I lose control. I scolded Colton and then took him to his mother so we could discuss what happened. I was the one that told him he could not use us against each other that way even if I didn’t believe it. I provide a united front for the boys and you again under minded it Several people saw you loose your temper so don't blame this on me. [Bruce Clark] No one saw me lose my temper. Anyone could see me disciplining my son for a very disrespectful act that you seem to keep avoiding. Such an action should be dealt with immediately and that is what I did. You were not there. Other people had no idea what may have happened but it was clear Colton was in trouble for something. Yes Colton was very disrespectful [Bruce Clark] Colton would not have said something like that without hearing from you and no I didn't hug him and condone his behavior. [Bruce Clark] You did give him a hug, I saw it I did talk with him and Dakota about this incident. [Bruce Clark] And what did you say? What kind of discipline did they receive for doing things they knew they were not suppose to be doing and what did you do about the disrespect Colton showed toward the principle? What action or punishment did they receive? So No don't make me to be the bad guy. [Bruce Clark] No you are not the bad guy, you do nothing and that is just very very wrong I told you I would talk with you later, because in the past I'm not getting in a fight with you in public. [Bruce Clark] Why would you fight with me there? What did I do that was wrong? Remember you asked me awhile back not to do that.[Bruce Clark] Yes because of they way you act when I tell the boys to sit down. I did that last year at a football game when mom was here and you told me they were with you and I didn’t need to tell them anything
As far as a distrain for school for me. I graduated and have made a good life for myself so don't give me that crap.[Bruce Clark] what you have done with your life has nothing to do with how you think about authority or how you expect the boys to act. Many people have seen how you react, it’s never the child’s fault Your not perfect, [Bruce Clark] never said I was and what makes you better then me.[Bruce Clark] Nothing unless you are talking about parenting You can't stand it that I've done so well.[Bruce Clark] were does that come from, why would you think that and what bearing does it have here or with the boys? I have a nice house good job and a new car and you don't like that I've done this myself.[Bruce Clark] why would you think that or bring up such nonsense? In all the years you never gave me credit for anything[Bruce Clark] you seem to be having a difficult time and it reflects on how you are parenting the boys............. I don't leave my kids unattended.[Bruce Clark] I don’t think that is what we have talked about here but if you bring it up, yes you have, saying you don’t or haven’t doesn’t change that. That is not what we are trying to talk about here . I don't coach the kids to be disrespectful they are just tired of the way they are treated,[Bruce Clark] they are tired of rules, is what you are trying to say. You do coach them with your actions and talk against me and Jan Wake up to the reality of the boys growing up. I know all those years you feared your dad. [Bruce Clark] what are you talking about. You were never even around when I grew up and what you say here is not true at all but I have heard that you tell the boys the same thing Oh by the way don't blame us moving on me that was your decision to get out of the family business. [Bruce Clark] You are just rambling now and it has nothing to do with the situation last night. I have not heard one word about what Colton’s disciplinary actions were. Personally I think since you were carbon monoxide poisoned your not the same person you used to be. [Bruce Clark] again, this is why I don’t want to speak with you about anything but issues that involve the boys. I wish the best for you and Jan but someday she won't fit into your perfect mold either.[Bruce Clark] I feel sorry fro you, how you dwell on the past Bruce may you and Jan pray for me, and I will pray for you.[Bruce Clark] Linda, this is not a joke. You know we take the boys to church, you know we say grace at the table. We do include you in the table prayer. For you to say that is very wrong. I know you don’t go to church or say grace. Please don’t patronize me for the sake of an e-mail.
As far as good meals the boys are provided with PORK [Bruce Clark] I see you have a problem with Jan’s diet roasts, steaks, mashed potatoes, etc., so don't give me that crap that they are not provided for. I bake apple pies and make brownies. [Bruce Clark] You can’t expect that to fly. You know you eat more fast food in your house then sit down good meals, don’t even attempt to do other wise. I’m not a fool; please don’t treat me as such. As far as speeding them to school I will drive them take away Josh;s rig and then move them to my area if that's the way you want it to be.[Bruce Clark] I never said any such thing. I do know if they leave your house late, pressure to get there on time becomes greater. Your way addressing issues is what concerns me so. Could you not see to it they get out of the house 10 minutes earlier. Do you think that taking away Josh’s car and driving them yourself is easier? And to threaten again to move them from their school as a solution to getting them to school on time a ridicules. There still would be no guarantee they would make it on time if they were in your school district. That’s because you won’t take responsibility for you own actions and control things in your house. If your threatening me to change my parenting habits bring it on, I'll be more then happy to let the judicial system decide the parenting arrangements because after your actions last night all of Highland knows how you really are. [Bruce Clark] That is fine if they understand I will not allow my child to be disrespectful without him being held accountable Don't threaten me because you know what...... I'm not afraid of you anymore......... [Bruce Clark] Your attitude here and in that statement is what’s being translated to the kids. You don’t have to respect your father, don’t be afraid of him. I’m here for you, I won’t let him be mean to you, I’ll tell him his rules are crap and that you guys are just little kids.
Thank you for taking the boys 1 day early. I will be more then happy to have the boys more if that's what you want. [Bruce Clark] That is not what you have said before “no more flex time for me”. You say one thing one day and turn around and say something different the next. That is the same thing you do with the boys and why they never know where you stand. It’s because to don’t stay consistent with them, so they lose respect for you and that leads them to losing respect for everyone. Someday you and Jan will want to do something and ask me in return. I will be more then happy to do so.. and you know it.[Bruce Clark] Again that is not what you have said before and I believe you do so now only to make it look like you are trying your hardest to get along. Again, please don’t make me out a fool, it’s your actions Linda. I have in the past...........