Blended families by Jimmy Evans

Dear Bruce,

Fifty percent of all families are blended families. These kinds of family structures—where one or both spouses bring children from a previous marriage or relationship—can be challenging. Blended families have a higher divorce rate because of particular dynamics present at the first day of the new marriage.

In my counseling, I've seen one particular dynamic lead to a variety of problems: non-biological parenting. This is the relationship between a step-parent and stepchildren.

Biological parents often enter a new marriage with a protective instinct. They may come into the new relationship with emotional damage from their past, and that results in a lack of trust.

They may not trust their new spouse with decisions related to stepchildren.

21-Day Inner Healing Journey A unique and powerful devotional from Jimmy Evans.

They may not view the new spouse as an equal when it comes to parenting.

They may think, "They don't love them like I love them."

These attitudes are asking for trouble. In these situations, I've heard one spouse say something like this: "You may not be my spouse the rest of my life, but my children are going to be my children the rest of my life. And if it comes down to a choice, I choose my children."

That's a very dangerous mistake to make in a relationship.

In Genesis 2:24-25, God reveals His laws for marriage. One of these is the law of possession. He says "the two shall become one." Not one-point-three or one-point eight, but ONE. The only way two things can become one is if both husband and wife surrender everything to the relationship.

That means finances, assets, decision-making, and children. Withholding any one of those things—refusing to give it up—becomes an idol. It threatens the marriage relationship.

Because marriage is trust. When you marry somebody, it's imperative that they become co-owners of those children along with you. If you don't trust a person with your children, then you shouldn't marry them.

I do understand that, in the beginning of a relationship, non-biological parents make not have the natural love a biological parent has for his or her child. However, they can love a child by choice. This is the same holy agape love God has for us.

Love by choice is the greatest level of love. It means doing what Jesus would do regardless of emotion or circumstances.

I'm not saying that a non-biological parent's love is better than biological love. Nor am I saying that a non-biological parent should replace the biological parent. But both parents do have to be equal.

While it might be wise at the beginning of a new relationship for the biological parent to enforce discipline—at least until the non-biological parents gains authority— the non-biological parent should still have full rights to that child.

Otherwise, these complicated relationships can drive a wedge between a husband and wife.

Blended families, parent your children together. Follow God's Law of Possession. Make sure the children see you trusting each other and operating as a team.

Blessings,

Blending Families: Parenting and Children

Blending Families: Parenting and Children | Marriage Today | Jimmy Evans 426 views

PA, the cycle never ends

PA, the cycle never ends

For the thousands of you who follow this blog and for all those who find yourself here because you now are experiencing parental alienation…I cannot comfort you, I can’t help you prevent it or stop it in the future. The only thing we can do here is to help educate and hope that the victims (the children) can overcome the negativity and attacks that come with PA. If you are a parent that finds yourself in despair over this situation, send this blog to your children and ask them to spend some time reading with an open mind and try to understand what is happening and why.

I write again today because I see PA in a family that is very dear to me.  This time it is the father who is attempting to turn his daughters against their mother and her family. It brings back those old nightmares from years past. I have and my wife has spoken with the mother and urged her to resist being drawn into the same game. We advised her to speak only kind words about their father while in their (children) company. If she wants to argue or engage his behavior, then do it in private and do not discuss any of it with the children. Instead, if the children ask or makes comments that are disparaging to the mother or her boyfriend, just give positive responses. Do not lose control and say something you will regret like “fine, you hate it here so much then just go live with your father”. Speech like that will never get you the results you wish.  

Think of the children 1^st. 

When you find your anger building, focus on what is right by the kids. How would you like it if your mother spoke negative about your father or the other way around? Would you like it if your friend attacked your family with words? No you would not and your children do not want to hear it either. 

The person practicing PA will never understand this. They only see themselves as champions of the children. They elevate their self-esteem by degrading the other. They cover up their actions and poor life choices by demonizing their ex or the relationship they are in. 

The best thing either parent could ask for is that their ex would marry a good person who they are happy with and that he or she would love and support the children. The new marriage should be one where each household supports the other home. 

They should raise the children to love and respect their ex and their new partner. This way, instead of tearing the children apart, pitting them against each other over affections and asking them to love one parent more than the other… they could instead enjoy both households and grow up loving and being loved by their parents and their new spouses.

Please, stop the Parental Alienation! 

     

Sadly there are those who will not change, they will not stop and will continue PA their entire life. I feel sorry for those people and their families. Such a loss for the children and grandchildren when this happens.  

In my case, after 13 years the PA continues. 

My relationship with my sons is now based on the contact they wish to have. I will not force myself into their lives. I follow and enjoy in seeing their happiness. It will never be as I wanted for them, never close to the family and friends I grew up with. I have accepted this. I have a plan to leave behind a history of their father and family, for them and for their children. They can chose what to do with it.

The Doctor referred to in this blog said to us point blank; The PA will never stop. You will be demonized and vilified for the rest of your life by your ex-wife.  She will never stop and will continue even after your sons have moved out and started their own families. She will continue with your grandchildren and there is nothing you will be able to stop this. It is the worst case of PA I have ever seen in my 26 years of practice. I’m very sorry for you and your family. 

He is being proved right even after 13 plus years;

Mental abuse is the worst..you know who you are and what you did...

August 30 at 12:41pm

There are so many men that can't be a man turn their backs and choose others over their own children! Who are selfious and maybe make time only when its conveient for them or when they become sick they wonder where their child or children have gone.. Its like the cats in the craddle song by I believe Jim Croochy sang

1 · August 14 at 7:12am

I'm so proud of my four sons for the men they have become...the acomplishments and future ones.For those doubters proved all of you wrong. Keep writing your mind numbing blogs...... I have stood by them thru ups and downs thick and thin. I couldn't ask for anything else...Also my two grandsons who I love dearly.....

The above FB posts are from my ex, speaking with a daughter in-law whom I have yet to meet. How did I get them? A friend saw them and was disturbed at what she read. Point is that after all these years, she still practices PA with the children and their families.What impact does this conversation have with a person I have never met?

 

 Mental abuse is the worst..you know who you are and what you did...(She is addressing this towards me, it is an attempt to cover up her own actions)

August 30 at 12:41pm

There are so many men that can't be a man turn their backs and choose others over their own children! (Again, she is referring to me getting remarried and standing by my new wife) Who are selfious and maybe make time only when its conveient for them or when they become sick (A reference to my cancer) they wonder where their child or children have gone.. Its like the cats in the craddle song by I believe Jim Croochy sang

1 · August 14 at 7:12am

I'm so proud of my four sons for the men they have become...the acomplishments and future ones.For those doubters proved all of you wrong. (I guess this is referencing the troubles one child was having in school and as a father I tried to hold him accountable)  Keep writing your mind numbing blogs......(In case there was any doubt about who she is talking about, she removed that here) I have stood by them thru ups and downs thick and thin. I couldn't ask for anything else...Also my two grandsons who I love dearly.....(Has a need to make sure that she is the one that loves the grand-kids. She tries to imply that I, the father do not love them as much as she does. Sad)

As the doctor said, it will never end.

Please, for those you read this, stop the PA now. 

PA only serves to destroy relationships and damage children. Yes it hurts the parent that it is directed at but at what cost? 

Let your children grow up with the best two sets of parents they can have. This is what your goal should be!

Avoid PA by working on your marriage!

If we are going to have true intimacy in our marriages, we have to disarm the issues that hinder it. One of those is anger. Anger can be destructive in a marriage.

The first thing I want you to know is that anger is inevitable. It's a normal response. You will never be so spiritual that you don't get angry. Jesus even got angry. Great marriages still have anger.

Anger that occurs today is manageable. There's nothing wrong with it. But yesterday's anger is a very dangerous thing. Ephesians 4:26-27 says, "Be angry, and do not sin: Do not let the sun go down on your wrath, nor give place to the devil."

What that passage means is that anger, if it is not dealt with, can become toxic and destructive. It can harden hearts. It has to be resolved in righteous way. If it is not dealt with—if you let the sun "go down" on it—then it builds in intensity for the next time.

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God never designed us to be a repository for anger. We are made for anger to enter for a brief time, and then leave. Never to stay. That's why the Bible is so insistent on forgiveness, because we can't endure it. Unforgiveness and pent-up anger are corrosive on every level.

Anger leads to a whole system of thoughts—fear, accusations, pride—that can create a destructive barrier between you and your spouse. Every time anger arrives and you don't deal with it, that wall grows higher.

So we must resolve anger in marriage. How should we do it?

First, we need to choose the right setting. Don't do it around the kids. Your children need to watch you relate and talk things out, but serious issues should be handled in private when your emotions are under control.

Second, begin every confrontation with affirmation. Research indicates that a conversation never rises above the level of the first three minutes. The way you start talking to each other dictates how the conversation will end. If you begin with threats, you've already set a negative tone for the conversation.

Instead, begin by saying, "I love you and I'm glad that we're married, but I need to talk to you about something." We're made in God's image, and Psalm 100 says we enter His courts with praise—with positive words.

Finally, communicate your complaint without fixed judgments or interpretations. There's a difference between complaining and criticizing. Complaining is talking about me and my feelings, but without interpreting it—because I don't know what's in your heart.

Criticizing is an attack. It's me telling you how you're feeling and interpreting your motives. It makes the other person defensive. Complaints should be about a specific issue ("You said this and it made me feel stressed out") rather than a global one ("You never do anything around here").

Don't go to bed angry. Create in your marriage a habit pattern of dealing with it every day. When you do deal with conflict, do it the right way: respectfully, with kindness and a tender heart.

You won't be able to avoid anger, but you can avoid its destructive qualities by never letting it fester. Don't let the sun go down on your anger.

 Taking time to enjoy each other and all the blessings that God gives us. Love you Baby :)

Unmarried or divorced father stats

Fathers who have never made the commitment of marriage or even of sticking around.

 

There was a time when fatherlessness was high on account of death. But: "A surprising suggestion emerging from recent social-science research," Popenoe points out, "is that it is decidedly worse to a child to lose a father in the modern, voluntary way than through death. The children of divorced and never-married mothers are less successful by almost every measure than the children of widowed mothers ... . And there is reason to believe that having an unmarried father is even worse for a child than having a divorced father."

And the statistical analyses of the US data are showing that children from a fatherless home are:

20 times more likely to end up in prison;

32 times more likely to run away.

20 times more likely to have behavioral disorders.

14 times more likely to commit rape;

Nine times more likely to drop out of high school;

10 times more likely to abuse drugs;

Five times more likely to commit suicide;

Nine times more likely to end up in a state-operated institution;

Two times more likely to have children during their teenage years;

The litany of disaster continues in the US statistics:

85% of all children that exhibit behavioral disorders come from fatherless homes;

90% of all homeless and runaway children are from fatherless homes;

71% of all high-school dropouts come from fatherless homes;

71% of teenage pregnancies are to children of single parents, so the cycle continues;

75% of all adolescent patients in chemical-abuse centers come from fatherless homes;

63% of youth suicides are from fatherless homes;

80% of rapists come from fatherless homes;

70% of juveniles in state facilities come from fatherless homes;

85% of all incarcerated youths grew up in a fatherless home.

Researchers have found that for children, the results of their mothers abandoning the marriage bed are nothing short of disastrous, along a number of dimensions

We ignore the problem of father absence to our peril. Of perhaps greatest concern is the lack of response from our lawmakers and policymakers, who pay lip service to the paramount importance of the "best interests of the child," yet turn a blind eye to father absence, ignoring the vast body of research on the dire consequences to children's well-being.

How appropriate that Justice Alito brought up cellphones in the recent Supreme Court hearings on the marriage cases. Because these days it seems like it is easier to get out of a marriage than it is to get out of a cellphone contract.

It is no secret that marriage is in a state of severe crisis in America. And while academics, statisticians, and pundits may quarrel about the exact divorce rate or its causes, no one would deny that the widespread legalization of no-fault divorce beginning in the early 1970s saw an explosion of divorce in this country.

Yet as social conservatives, and even many liberals, wring their hands about marital and familial breakdown, few seem to question whether our experiment with treating marriage like a restaurant experience-order what you like and send it back if you change your mind-is worth reconsidering.

Instead, no-fault divorce has become an assumed feature of the landscape of unbridled American freedom. Whereas once freedom in this country meant the right to live a good life, the ability to be a moral agent in the human enterprise, the chance to chase happiness, it now increasingly appears to mean the right to do whatever you want whenever you feel like it, regardless of whom you destroy in the process.

No-fault divorce is destroying women, children, and men. More precisely, divorce destroys marriage, and the destruction of marriage harms every party involved. The legality of no-fault divorce just makes it infinitely easier to hurt people. There are no two ways about it. No one comes out of a divorce a happier and more whole person.

Particularly offensive no-fault divorces are those where one spouse is protesting. In these cases, one spouse is literally abandoning the other (and frequently the children as well), despite having made public vows and having signed a contract before civil and religious officials stating their lifelong commitment to his or her spouse.

In this country you can come home from work and tell your spouse the marriage is over and he or she can do nothing but cry, and fight for the best financial payout possible. Try doing that with Verizon. Or while under contract to buy a home. Or with your gym membership. You'll get laughed at.

Eighty percent of divorces are unilateral. The legal sanctioning of human abandonment must end.

The family court system needs to do a much better job of keeping families together and combating the Evils of Parental Alienation.