Some more very good information and sound advice that we all need to follow!

Some more very good information and sound advice that we all need to follow! 

In most cases, a first marriage begins with the relationship, front and center. Children don't come along until later.

But in a blended family, children are already present when the marriage begins. This is one reason blended families have a higher frequency of divorce. They face several challenges at the very beginning that aren't present in other marriage relationships.

One of those challenges is the priority of the marriage.

When children are present at the beginning of a relationship, the children often become first. They take priority over the marriage itself.

To some people, this doesn't seem like a huge concern. Of course we should focus on our children, they might think. It's good for them! But children aren't the nucleus of a family. Marriage is. And children are a temporary assignment. They are going to grow up and start families of their own.

21-Day Inner Healing Journey A unique and powerful devotional from Jimmy Evans.

God explains His laws for marriage in Genesis 2:24-25. One of these is the law of priority. He says "a man will leave his father and mother." That means the marriage comes first over any other relationship.

If your marriage revolves around your children, what happens at age 18 when they leave for college? What happens when they get married? These kinds of marriages lose their foundation. The husband and wife don't know what to do with each other. That's why many divorces happen among empty-nest couples.

Here are three things I want mothers and fathers in every marriage to remember, whether they are in blended families or not:

First, your children will feel more secure when you are happy and when they see you in a happy marriage.

Second, your successful marriage gives them a vision for the future. They'll follow your lead. Are you giving them a good example to emulate?

And third, when they grow up, you will still enjoy a stable life and relationship. You won't be emotionally dependent on them. This helps them flourish as adults and helps your marriage stay healthy.

How can parents keep their marriage first in priority? One way is to set aside time alone with each other on a regular basis. Karen and I used to tuck our children into their beds at night and then make sure they stayed in their rooms. "This is our time together," we would tell them. "Don't come out unless it's an emergency."

This taught the kids to respect our time. Then, on a regular basis, Karen and I went out for a date night. We let our parents take care of the kids and would spend an uninterrupted night or even weekend together. This time was so vital.

When our children left home, we thanked God we had prioritized our marriage because we had built a strong relationship that wasn't dependent on our kids.

A successful family does not build itself around children, but around the marriage itself. Yes, children deserve your attention. Love them unconditionally. Give them quality time. But don't neglect your marriage to focus on your kids.

Put your marriage first, and remember this: When you work on your marriage, you are doing your children a favor.

Blended families by Jimmy Evans

Dear Bruce,

Fifty percent of all families are blended families. These kinds of family structures—where one or both spouses bring children from a previous marriage or relationship—can be challenging. Blended families have a higher divorce rate because of particular dynamics present at the first day of the new marriage.

In my counseling, I've seen one particular dynamic lead to a variety of problems: non-biological parenting. This is the relationship between a step-parent and stepchildren.

Biological parents often enter a new marriage with a protective instinct. They may come into the new relationship with emotional damage from their past, and that results in a lack of trust.

They may not trust their new spouse with decisions related to stepchildren.

21-Day Inner Healing Journey A unique and powerful devotional from Jimmy Evans.

They may not view the new spouse as an equal when it comes to parenting.

They may think, "They don't love them like I love them."

These attitudes are asking for trouble. In these situations, I've heard one spouse say something like this: "You may not be my spouse the rest of my life, but my children are going to be my children the rest of my life. And if it comes down to a choice, I choose my children."

That's a very dangerous mistake to make in a relationship.

In Genesis 2:24-25, God reveals His laws for marriage. One of these is the law of possession. He says "the two shall become one." Not one-point-three or one-point eight, but ONE. The only way two things can become one is if both husband and wife surrender everything to the relationship.

That means finances, assets, decision-making, and children. Withholding any one of those things—refusing to give it up—becomes an idol. It threatens the marriage relationship.

Because marriage is trust. When you marry somebody, it's imperative that they become co-owners of those children along with you. If you don't trust a person with your children, then you shouldn't marry them.

I do understand that, in the beginning of a relationship, non-biological parents make not have the natural love a biological parent has for his or her child. However, they can love a child by choice. This is the same holy agape love God has for us.

Love by choice is the greatest level of love. It means doing what Jesus would do regardless of emotion or circumstances.

I'm not saying that a non-biological parent's love is better than biological love. Nor am I saying that a non-biological parent should replace the biological parent. But both parents do have to be equal.

While it might be wise at the beginning of a new relationship for the biological parent to enforce discipline—at least until the non-biological parents gains authority— the non-biological parent should still have full rights to that child.

Otherwise, these complicated relationships can drive a wedge between a husband and wife.

Blended families, parent your children together. Follow God's Law of Possession. Make sure the children see you trusting each other and operating as a team.

Blessings,

Blending Families: Parenting and Children

Blending Families: Parenting and Children | Marriage Today | Jimmy Evans 426 views

Letter from a child

Divorce is rotten thing, work it out. 

For Gods sake what ever you do, keep the kids out of your arguments and do not use them as a tool to hurt your spouse. All that really does is hurt the child and he or she should be your main concern...think about it.

Save the kids from your fight!

Where have we gone? What did we allow to happen?

HIGH SCHOOL -- 1957  vs. 2010
 Scenario 1:
Jack goes duck hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck's gun rack.
1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2010 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and  never sees his truck or gun again. Counsellors  called in for traumatized students and teachers.    


Scenario 2:
Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.
1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands  and end up buddies.
2010 - Police called and SWAT team arrives -- they arrest both Johnny and Mark.  They are both charged with assault and both expelled even though Johnny started it.


Scenario 3:
Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts other students.
1957 - Jeffrey sent to the Principal's office and given a good paddling by the Principal.  He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.                
2010 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin.  He becomes a zombie. He is then tested for ADD. The family gets extra money (SSI) from the government because Jeffrey has a disability.  


Scenario 4:
Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.                
1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman.  
2010 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse, Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist.  


Scenario 5:
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1957 - Mark shares his aspirin with the Principal out on the smoking dock.
2010 - The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. His car is then searched for drugs and weapons.                  


Scenario 6:
Pedro fails high school English.
1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.
2010 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a  requirement for graduation is racist.  ACLU files class action lawsuit against the state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English is then banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.                  


Scenario 7:
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant  bed.  
1957 - Ants die.
2010 - ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism.  The FBI investigates his parents - and all siblings are removed from their home and all computers are confiscated. Johnny's dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.                  


Scenario 8:
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee.  He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.  
1957 � In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.                
2010 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.  

Reply to Anonymous comment on Jealousy, the root of all Evil posted on March 29th 2010

Below is the comment;

Have you bothered to read your own blog? Children have one mother, and I am sure this mother was doing just fine with her kids until this new lady shows up and wants to be mom all of a sudden. It is fine to come in and love your new spouses children and be a good role model for them, but it is never ok to come in and be their "mom" for they already have one. You mentioned in your blog numerous times what a great "mom" your new wife is to your boys. Their real and only mom is not replaceable because you dont like her. I have the same problem with my childs stepmother. I am a great and loving mom. I got along just fine with my ex and we were able to co-parent together until his new wife came along. She wants to be mom now and wants me out of the picture. It is very damaging to a child when a new person comes along and thinks they are a replacement for their own parent and they know best, etc. etc. Step parents often try to force themselves into the parenting role and try to force the real parent out to get rid of their competition they feel. VERY SAD!!!

Here is my response;

Well anonymous, You sound like a very troubled woman indeed. It is very apparent from your comment that you, like my ex Linda, suffer from acute jealousy and most likely that stems from somewhere deep in your past. I expect that you have had to deal with low self esteem all your life. That is very unfortunate. It must be very difficult to go through life with a deep envy of others. Perhaps you have a sense of superiority over everyone else and this justifies your actions.  In any case you have my sympathies, yet this does cannot condone your behavior.

Point being you have no idea about the mother, so why the support of the mother and attack on the step mother? (I am sure this mother was doing just fine with her kids until this new lady shows up and wants to be mom all of a sudden)  From the day they were born she (the boys mother) could not handle the responsibility. She did not have to work and therefore had no job. Yet she chose to take a part time job and send the kids to day care because she said “I can’t stand it, they drive me crazy and I need a break from them”. The job only paid the day care fee so she was working for free just to get away from her own children. I understand that she is not alone, many mothers now days take this path. Later she would spend weekends with her friend to get away from me and the boys, leading to her abandoning her family and moving next door to her boyfriend while she was still married. On the week that she had the 4 boys, she would leave them alone and go out on the town with her boy friend. She repeatedly brought men home from the bars and gambling casinos to spend the night. All this on the week she had the boys. A decent mother would have at least stayed home with her sons during her week with them and limit her whoring around on the week the children where gone. You see, you know nothing of this woman. Would you condone such behavior???
I think that is why we see such a decline in our society. I firmly believe the most important responsibility a mother can have is to provide a good home environment and Christian instruction for the children. The children should be JOB ONE! Sadly many women put their own self ambitions in front of the kids welfare.

Why do make this statement: “it is never ok to come in and be their "mom" for they already have one”. You are very disturbed! The best thing any ex spouse could hope for is that a new step parent would be a loving caring person. If the children are only spending 1-2 days every couple of weeks with one of the parents then it would be difficult to have the same bond as say those who share time equally. In my case, my new wife was much more of a mother to my children than their own mother ever was. This fact was very plain for everyone see, even to my ex. This led to her jealousy, rage, attacks and in 2 of the 4 cases, successful alienation of the children from my new wife and myself!

You show a much to common mental condition when you make this statement: . “Their real and only mom is not replaceable because you dont like her.”

The “real” mom was never replaced nor was she ever spoken poorly of. Both my wife and me supported the boy’s mother. We even have many letters sent to her asking that she move closer to the boys and school. That would allow her more time with them. She refused our request and said she would not move to little Tijuana, insinuating that there were to many Mexicans where we lived. It seems it was fine for the boys to go to school there but she was not going to live there. If you wish, I can post those letters.

You seem to live in a very deranged world. Your statements about the new wife wanting to be the real mother, take control and “get rid of their competition” shows your paranoia. I don’t think it would matter at all who your ex remarried, you would fear any relationship she has with your kids. You seem to know in your heart your weakness as a parent and fear those will be exposed by any other woman. I think you are correct in that regard, any other woman may seem like a more loving and supporting  mother to your children than you. You need to focus on being a good mother and stop obsessing about your exs new wife!

Your accusations about “Step parents often try to force themselves into the parenting role and try to force the real parent out” are certainly unfounded in my case and I see no documentation that your view is supported by professionals in the field.

From your comments I can conclude that you are one of the mothers that would practice parental alienation as a way to stop your children from having a healthy relationship with their step mother and perhaps with the own father.   

In my case, the mother was documented to have an extreme anger problem and indeed was, “the worse case or parental alienation I have seen” by a doctor in the this field that spent time with her in his office.

I feel very sorry for your children, your ex and his wife. You must be a horrible person to try and co parent with.

For the sake of your children and that of your grandchildren, I hope you seek professional help.

Child Support and Lawsuit

NCSEA ACKNOWLEDGES TURNIP CAMPAIGN, CHANGES WEBSITE
LAWSUIT STIRRING COMMENTS, ACTION 

Dear Reader;
Much has transpired since our Tuesday communication.  Below are updates and opportunities.
Save the Turnips 
The Facebook Campaign to confront Child Support Agencies and their inhumane practices toward child support payers is off to a rousing start.  Over 300 people ‘liked’ the page in the first 24 hours.   But there’s more…One basis of this campaign is disgust over how child support officials identify child support payers as ‘turnips.’  We provided a link to a National Child Support Enforcement Association (NCSEA) training program titled:  “Getting Blood from a Turnip: New Farming Techniques for Increasing Your Yield.” 
Apparently folks at NCSEA got the message, sort of.  Within hours of the start of the ‘Save the Turnips’ campaign NCSEA  programmers had changed the website and pulled the reference to obligors as ‘Turnips.’   Of course, we thought you would like to see those ‘before and after’ alterations.  The NCSEA is apparently still farming, just not specifically ‘turnips.’    
Would that undoing the decades of damage these people have done to families through their campaigns to vilify child support obligors was as easy as altering a webpage. 
Please join in and help.  We need to continue to build the group on Facebook.  Thanks to everyone who ‘liked’ the page.   If you haven’t already, please go to www.facebook.com/savetheturnips and ‘like’ the page.  If you have already ‘liked’ the page then use the button on the page and share it with your friends.   Ask them to visit and ‘like’ the page also.
We know there are literally hundreds of thousands of child support horror stories out there.   Tell ‘Save the Turnips’ your story.  Take five minutes, video your story, post it to YouTube and send us the link.  We’ll connect it to the campaign.
The march has begun and will not stop until poor people are no longer being locked away in jails and prisons simply because they do not have enough money to pay.
We are pleased to let you know several states, including Ohio and Pennsylvania are considering legislation to end the barbaric practice of incarcerating poor people for failure to pay support.  Ohio and Pennsylvania are both states that have routinely incarcerated indigent obligors without providing access to legal counsel.  While these are positive developments we call on public officials to avoid replacing jail with alternative, but equally punitive, measures.  Join the effort to end debtor prisons in America.
Ohio Child Support Class Action Lawsuit
We have heard from many people regarding their experiences with Ohio’s child support collection agencies.  For example, a welder residing in Northern Ohio indicated the agency has for years been taking payments for an alleged arrearage and then adding the paid amount to the arrearage (instead of subtracting it), thereby increasing the amount of arrears he allegedly owes.  Instead of the arrears being paid in full, according to the state’s Enron style accounting scheme he now owes more than $10,000 in back support.  Unless of course he is talking to the local support office in which case they say his arrears balance is in excess of $12,000.  D. says three other guys in his shop alone are having similar types of problems.
We’re also hearing similar stories from other states.  One came from a 72 year old vet regarding a $175,000 arrearage.  At this rate he says he expects garnishments from his social security and disability checks to continue past his 87 birthday.  His youngest ‘child’ is over 30. 
Attention to the story is increasing, we’ll keep you updated.
A Couple of Recent Rallies to Report
Kids Need 2 Parents hosted a small rally in the North Carolina capitol of Raleigh last weekend.   There are a number of dedicated people working to improve child custody laws in the state.  Please add your voice and become engaged.  Visit Kids Need 2 parents at www.KN2P.org
Illinois Fathers hosted the 3^rd Annual Fatherless Day Rally at the Capitol in Springfield.  About 100 people attended, including several state legislators who expressed their support for Shared Parenting and particularly encouraged legislators to vote in favor of HB 1604 – The Steve Watkins Bill addressing visitation interference.
At the conclusion of the rally a Senate hearing took place on the bill.  Over 50 people signed up to testify in favor of the legislation.  No vote was taken after the hearing however we are optimistic the bill will come for a vote before the end of the month.  Click here and scroll to the 5:56 minute mark of the video to see news coverage of the event.  Click here to see one Senator’s comments.
Stay tuned.  More is on the way.  Please help by forwarding this message.
ACFC

Everyone has a choice

“Wisdom will save you from the ways of wicked men, from men whose words are perverse, who have left the straight paths to walk in dark ways, who delight in doing wrong and rejoice in the perverseness of evil, whose paths are crooked and who are devious in their ways.” (Proverbs 2:12-15, NIV)

Each of us has the ability to choose our daily path, choose wisely!

You'll find that many of the challenges you may be facing – like negativity, stress or ineffective communication – can be overcome by simply investing more time in doing what matters most to you at work and at home.

~David Vittoria

Perhaps time well spent would be reading the bible? Understanding Gods word? Talking with family members? Eating dinner together at the table and visiting about the day’s events?

Perhaps returning to a life that respects others and not quite so focused on one’s self.

What do you think? What matters to you?

Would this simple idea help our families and perhaps positively address the PA issue?

I think so.

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