Some more very good information and sound advice that we all need to follow!

Some more very good information and sound advice that we all need to follow! 

In most cases, a first marriage begins with the relationship, front and center. Children don't come along until later.

But in a blended family, children are already present when the marriage begins. This is one reason blended families have a higher frequency of divorce. They face several challenges at the very beginning that aren't present in other marriage relationships.

One of those challenges is the priority of the marriage.

When children are present at the beginning of a relationship, the children often become first. They take priority over the marriage itself.

To some people, this doesn't seem like a huge concern. Of course we should focus on our children, they might think. It's good for them! But children aren't the nucleus of a family. Marriage is. And children are a temporary assignment. They are going to grow up and start families of their own.

21-Day Inner Healing Journey A unique and powerful devotional from Jimmy Evans.

God explains His laws for marriage in Genesis 2:24-25. One of these is the law of priority. He says "a man will leave his father and mother." That means the marriage comes first over any other relationship.

If your marriage revolves around your children, what happens at age 18 when they leave for college? What happens when they get married? These kinds of marriages lose their foundation. The husband and wife don't know what to do with each other. That's why many divorces happen among empty-nest couples.

Here are three things I want mothers and fathers in every marriage to remember, whether they are in blended families or not:

First, your children will feel more secure when you are happy and when they see you in a happy marriage.

Second, your successful marriage gives them a vision for the future. They'll follow your lead. Are you giving them a good example to emulate?

And third, when they grow up, you will still enjoy a stable life and relationship. You won't be emotionally dependent on them. This helps them flourish as adults and helps your marriage stay healthy.

How can parents keep their marriage first in priority? One way is to set aside time alone with each other on a regular basis. Karen and I used to tuck our children into their beds at night and then make sure they stayed in their rooms. "This is our time together," we would tell them. "Don't come out unless it's an emergency."

This taught the kids to respect our time. Then, on a regular basis, Karen and I went out for a date night. We let our parents take care of the kids and would spend an uninterrupted night or even weekend together. This time was so vital.

When our children left home, we thanked God we had prioritized our marriage because we had built a strong relationship that wasn't dependent on our kids.

A successful family does not build itself around children, but around the marriage itself. Yes, children deserve your attention. Love them unconditionally. Give them quality time. But don't neglect your marriage to focus on your kids.

Put your marriage first, and remember this: When you work on your marriage, you are doing your children a favor.

Avoid PA by working on your marriage!

If we are going to have true intimacy in our marriages, we have to disarm the issues that hinder it. One of those is anger. Anger can be destructive in a marriage.

The first thing I want you to know is that anger is inevitable. It's a normal response. You will never be so spiritual that you don't get angry. Jesus even got angry. Great marriages still have anger.

Anger that occurs today is manageable. There's nothing wrong with it. But yesterday's anger is a very dangerous thing. Ephesians 4:26-27 says, "Be angry, and do not sin: Do not let the sun go down on your wrath, nor give place to the devil."

What that passage means is that anger, if it is not dealt with, can become toxic and destructive. It can harden hearts. It has to be resolved in righteous way. If it is not dealt with—if you let the sun "go down" on it—then it builds in intensity for the next time.

Help Us Reach Couples All Over the World. Support MarriageToday

God never designed us to be a repository for anger. We are made for anger to enter for a brief time, and then leave. Never to stay. That's why the Bible is so insistent on forgiveness, because we can't endure it. Unforgiveness and pent-up anger are corrosive on every level.

Anger leads to a whole system of thoughts—fear, accusations, pride—that can create a destructive barrier between you and your spouse. Every time anger arrives and you don't deal with it, that wall grows higher.

So we must resolve anger in marriage. How should we do it?

First, we need to choose the right setting. Don't do it around the kids. Your children need to watch you relate and talk things out, but serious issues should be handled in private when your emotions are under control.

Second, begin every confrontation with affirmation. Research indicates that a conversation never rises above the level of the first three minutes. The way you start talking to each other dictates how the conversation will end. If you begin with threats, you've already set a negative tone for the conversation.

Instead, begin by saying, "I love you and I'm glad that we're married, but I need to talk to you about something." We're made in God's image, and Psalm 100 says we enter His courts with praise—with positive words.

Finally, communicate your complaint without fixed judgments or interpretations. There's a difference between complaining and criticizing. Complaining is talking about me and my feelings, but without interpreting it—because I don't know what's in your heart.

Criticizing is an attack. It's me telling you how you're feeling and interpreting your motives. It makes the other person defensive. Complaints should be about a specific issue ("You said this and it made me feel stressed out") rather than a global one ("You never do anything around here").

Don't go to bed angry. Create in your marriage a habit pattern of dealing with it every day. When you do deal with conflict, do it the right way: respectfully, with kindness and a tender heart.

You won't be able to avoid anger, but you can avoid its destructive qualities by never letting it fester. Don't let the sun go down on your anger.

 Taking time to enjoy each other and all the blessings that God gives us. Love you Baby :)

Letter from a child

Divorce is rotten thing, work it out. 

For Gods sake what ever you do, keep the kids out of your arguments and do not use them as a tool to hurt your spouse. All that really does is hurt the child and he or she should be your main concern...think about it.

Save the kids from your fight!

Parenting is not that hard, but being a good one seems to be escaping most now days!

Honey Badger Rules of Parenting (Or Coaching!)

by kelly muir · 100 comments

When my book Instructor Revolution was published,  the most surprising feedback was  NOT from martial art instructors but, rather,  from teachers. Teachers who were  frustrated dealing with parents year after year who simply make their job harder. We had many good laughs over the material.  More than once it was suggested I  should write a second book called “Parenting Revolution”.  Great theory but I would NEVER do it. Why? Parenting is an on-going journey. I still have two kids in my home for at least 8 more years…that gives me plenty of time to screw it up! There are no real rules, no truly perfect pattern of parenting. After 22 years of parenting, and 8 more “in home” years to go, I know enough to know that sometimes I get it right, and, well, sometimes it is a crap shoot.

Regardless, there are some hard and fast rules I have learned through the years. Some were hard earned, some came easy.  This blog is my Top Ten. If you can use any of them,  great. If you can’t, great. If  I offend you, Great. If I don’t, Great. There is a reason this is called the “Honey Badger Rules of Parenting”.  Enjoy….

Photo Credit : Arnoud Quanjer

#1) You are in Charge. Your Kid is not.  You do not need their permission to make a decision nor do you need to apologize for a decision you have made.  In addition, you don’t need to explain the reason behind every thought in your head.  Most of all, when you are having a conversation with someone else, it is not necessary to allow your child to interrupt the conversation every time they feel they have something to say. When they DO interrupt, it IS necessary to stop your conversation, let them know they are being rude and tell them to wait their turn. Despite the pervasive (and erroneous) belief that a child needs to express their precious thoughts as those thoughts develop, teaching them that the world does not need to come to a screeching halt every time they want to speak is a lesson that will last them a lifetime.

#2) Your Kid is Probably Not The MOST Brilliant, Amazing, Incredible human being on the earth.AND….telling them that they are does not make it so. Whatdoes work is being honest with them.  We can all be encouraging to our children and help them  to discover where their talents may be. After that, it is appropriate to assist them in maximizing  their personal potential in those areas. It is reckless to insinuate that they are brilliant,  spectacular or Unbelievable when, in fact, they may just be a little above average.  A honey Badger parent doesn’t give a S*&^ about boosting their childs confidence using false praise. The HBP will be quick to point out that being an above  average kid with a consistent work ethic  almost always beats Raw talent  that  is not consistent.  If a parent or teacher over states the childs ability, then the only consistent thread will be the kids skewed view of themselves.

Now, you may still think your child may be the “top of the top”, destined for greatness beyond greatness. Fair Enough.  In that case, it is even MORE important that they are not constantly told how their very presence on this earth is life changing and that everyone who encounters them should throw open a door of opportunity.  I guarantee that the more talented they are in WHATEVER area of life, there will many others just like them. If they really are that gifted, they will meet those other incredibly gifted people along their journey.   When they meet the others, your kid better be damn hungry. Regardless where their talents lie,  they are going to need to compete. High level competition is brutal ~ guaranteeing there will be a long line of people waiting to destroy your kid in an effort to  take their place at the top.  That doesn’t sound reassuring, does it? Well, if you spend your entire 18 year parenting period assuring them how brilliant and amazing they are, they will be easily consumed by their own self importance. It’s a hell of a lot easier to be competitive when you have actually prepared for the competition.  If a child hasonly heard their parents or coaches give them glowing reviews, they aren’t even expecting competition – let alone preparing for it.

#3) Teach Your Kid The Value of Manual Labor.  I could never express how absolutely incredible I feel that it is for children to work. Not for an allowance…not even for a dime. They should learn to work because it’s just the right thing to do.  Are we talking about making beds and doing dishes? No. They should be doing that everyday anyway. We are talking  “hands on” physical work. If you don’t have much to do around the house, just make it up.  When it snows, give them a shovel and make them move snow piles around.  Why?  Just for the hell of it. If they ask why, just tell them it’s good for them. Make them get up early, weed the yard, cut the grass, haul things around, clean the garage…whatever. Heck,  go make them move stones from one side of the yard to another and then BACK again.  Who cares WHAT they do – just make them do it.  Why? Manual Work teaches a strong work ethic – period. It also teaches them to appreciate the hard work of other people.

#4) Call it Like it is & Stop Making Excuses for Your Kid

• If a child is acting like a brat,  it is not only fair, but necessary, to tell them that they are. Don’t sugar coat it. You don’t need to.  Acting like a brat as a child translates into acting like an jackass as an adult.  I think we have plenty of adults running around who could have benefitted from having their parent tell them to knock off the bratty behavior early on.

• If a child is whining – tell them to stop. It’s pretty simple. When a child at my karate center begins to whine about something hurting them (My foot is sore, my toe hurts, I have a bruise…etc), I have one quick response: “If it isn’t broken, bleeding, or falling off, I don’t want to hear about it.” I keep a very close eye on real injuries but the overwhelming majority of the time when a child comes up to tell me that they have a bruise,  they are tired, they have a sore finger, etc…those are excuses to do less work. If their left leg is out of commission, I will tell them to work on the right. If both legs are hurt, they can work the core. There is always something they can do and making whiney excuses isn’t on the list.

• Knock off the crying.  While parents don’t ever want to hear it, there is a time to tell a kid to stop the waterworks when they don’t get their way or they get their feelings hurt. Remember that old “ You want to cry ?I will give you something to cry about!” line from our parents and grand parents? Well, it really wasn’t such a bad line.  At some point,  it is fair, as a parent to say, “Toughen Up – the world doesn’t owe you a thing.”  Sound harsh? If you don’t say it to them, trust me, someone else will.

#5)  Shoot the Hostage. Ok, don’t get all panicky. This is not as bad as it sounds UNLESS you place the monetary value of an item higher than the value of raising a solid human being.  Sometimes it takes one extreme behavior to ensure that the kids get the message fast. Parents have a bad habit of “taking things away”  from a child and then giving them back too easily.  It doesn’t take a child very long to figure out that routine – and they then just ride out their time without the item. Even worse,  kids learn very quickly that a simple “I’m sorry” can be just the ticket to get their prized possession back.

If you really want to make an impact and get your message across while simultaneaously ensuring that you will probably  NEVER have to deal with a subject again – just “Shoot the Hostage.”  This term came from me listening to my kids argue over  a TV many years ago. I literally felt like the TV was holding me hostage in my own living room. As long as it was there, I was constantly forced to deal with it. So, rather thanargue with the kids who were arguing over the TV – I just got rid of the TV. I took that thing out to the curb, put a sign on it that read “It’s Free and it Works” and waited for someone to pick it up. That TV was gone in 10 minutes and I went years without hearing that argument again. Problem…solved.

When your kids won’t let up over an item – just get rid of the item. I don’t care if it’s a tonka truck, an  ipod  or a car. If they can’t be respectful regarding  it’s use, get rid of the damn thing and let them figure it out.  Your swift and unpredictable action will probably be your  single greatest moment of parenting.  In one moment you will have demonstrated to your kid (s) that you mean business.The story will become family legend and I promise you that they will think twice The next time you say you are going to do something. Trust me, they will NOT question you.

#6) Stop Hovering!   Give them some space to breathe, function, and maybe even fail. It won’t be the end of the world.  It is part of learning about life. There is nothing more unimpressive than a parent who is making excuses or ensuring that everything in their world is “OK”. Once a child is around 9 or 10, They are old enough to begin working out the details of their day. Protect the big things (like safety, etc) and allow them to experience the small details.

• If they forget something for school, they can deal with the consequences. Stop running back to the school to take them homework, musical instruments or lunch bags. If they call, just say no. It’s perfectly normal to want to swoop in and make it all better, but what is the lesson there? Nothing. Let them suck it up once or twice. It’s elementary school. They will be just fine. Better to take an “F” on a third grade assignment and learn a lesson than flunk out of college at 20 years old.

• Let Teachers teach and coaches coach. Trust that your child is exactly where they need to be in order to learn whatever lesson they need to learn…and then let it go.  If you don’t like your child’s teacher, or you don’t like the way their coaches work with them, voice your opinion once and then let them do their job.  Some of my greatest life lessons came from people who I had the hardest time dealing with. As parents, our job is not to always ensure our children’s comfort, it is also to provide wisdom and guidance at moments when they are uncomfortable.  Learning to persevere through moments of frustration, even with other people, is a critical life component. When things are tough and  a parent  allows their kid to quit, or to completely change the situation using outside influences, they are truly just weakening their child and setting them up for failure further down the road. Let ‘em work it out.

#7) Expect them to Behave ~ All the Time. I hear parents say, well, “Kids will be kids” in an effort to explain their bad behavior. I want to say, “You are right and you need to be the parent and tell them to knock it off.”  My own kids have tried the “Well, other kids can do it.” I am a honey badger of a mother…I don’t give a shit what other kids and/or parents do.

#8) You are NOT their friend. Really, please learn this fast. We have a job. It takes about 18 years. When you decided to have a baby, you accepted the job.  If you do your job well, you can be their friend after.

#9) No kid is beyond a bad decision. Not mine. Not  yours. Don’t be naïve. Put a kid in a group of other kids and anything can happen. NO parent is immune from their child making a bad decision. If someone suggests that your child was involved in something less than stellar, do NOT assume they are wrong simply because you are “certain” your child could never do such a thing. Due Diligence is required here.

#10) Be a little Crazy and Unpredictable.  The older kids get, the bigger issues they face. It’s not all white picket fences and lemonade stands.  Making sure that your kid knows you are a little “off”  is not a bad thing. Your kids AND their friends should know that you are NOT beyond showing up to check on them, sitting in their classroom, reading their email, commenting on their facebook or generally being a pain in their side until they are grown.

I have met parents who actually say that they would NEVER embarrass their child or “check up on them.”  Crazy Talk. I make a Point to do those things.  It pays off.  Just last week,  I pulled up next to a group of 13 year old boys.  I recognized a few of them as boys my son knows from school. One of the boys thought it would be funny to “play” around in front of my car and block me from movng forward.  Ironically, when I got out of my car to tell him to knock it off, another boy recognized me, turned to his buddy in a hurry and said, “Dude, that’s Reece’s Mom. She isn’t playin’.  Stop it.”   And he did. I got back in my car and watched the boys move on down the road without incident.  Why? Well, apparently at least one kid had NO idea what I might do but he knew I would do something. Perfect. For that moment, I sighed and thought, “Chalk one up for all the Honey Badger Moms in the world….”

Do these ten rules make me a hard nosed mom, incapable of feeling emotion and love for my children?  Hardly! It’s the opposite. When you Love your kid enough to lay down the law, be strong in the hard moments and hold your ground when all you really want to do is run to them, scoop them up and make it all better, a bell of victory rings in the parenting universe and your child moves one step forward to becoming a strong, healthy and productive adult. Remember, that is the Objective of the Job.

Parents, now go back and re-read it!

Children and young adults that read this blog, do your best to understand this post. But most of all, re-read it today and then again next week, see if the simple logic of what she says helps with the answers you are seeking.

Good luck!

How will you be remembered?

When your story is read from the book of life, will you be proud?

As parents we all must consider our actions.

As men and women, we must know that lies, deceptions and the purposeful intent to harm someone or someone’s relationship with a child, family member or new husband or wife is deplorable.

If you have an ex that is practicing Parental Alienation then my heart goes out to you. Being on the receiving end of such hate and witnessing the destruction it has on your children, I have concluded that PA is a form of rape, rape of one’s mind. It steals away their innocence; it destroys their childhood and alters their future forever.

PA and the acceptance of it by a child; that is the brainwashing effect it has on a developing mind, is devastating for the child. It is only by the grace of God and an inter strength that children suffering this kind of abuse will ever become happy and productive adults. You cannot poison your child’s love for the other parent and expect them to grow up content with their life. The sad fact is that many children that suffer from PA become very angry and withdraw from any positive relationship with an adult. They instead turn to depression because of their situation. They engage in risky behavior in the attempt to find love and meaning in their life. Sex and drugs are among the top pacifiers but may lead to total rebellion against anyone or anything they perceive as an authority figure. You will see the child pull back from the activities they once enjoyed. Their school grades will suffer. Their attitude towards officials, rules and laws will diminish. The very thing that they were once proud of and enjoyed…will become a thing of their past and their childhood friends will no long wish to have a relationship with such a person. This leads to a downward spiral resulting in the loss of that child. Yes, this also means turning their back on you, the one that has tried so hard to make your child hate your ex. It has been said in many different ways that you cannot elevate your own standing by tearing someone else down. Purposely and intentionally inflecting pain and suffering on someone is not a noble endeavor. It is, self serving and in the case of PA, evil in the result.

I have volunteered and worked with many developmentally disabled young adults, mostly with those coming out of incarceration of some sort. They all have anger issues to deal with and looking into their past, they all have one or two parents that suffer from low self esteem and narcissistic behavior. Many of these young adults suffer from the actions of the mother. That is, FAS (drunks), smoking and drug use. The mothers were more concerned with their own pleasure than that of the child they were carrying. The child will suffer from that abuse for the rest of their lives. While some have not allowed the help they need, many embrace a positive role model. They become hopeful and not only wish to become, but in fact become aware of their own plight a chose to reject their pain and anger and instead whole heartily immerse themselves into a positive and productive lifestyle. Therefore I know that these young men and women can change their lives, I know that children that suffer from Parental Alienation can also!

I write this post in hopes that any child or young adult that reads it will fully understand that their life is what they wish to make it. I hope and pray that they all find peace and reconcile with their parent, parents or estranged family members. You can have the live to deserve, but you must have the courage to change. You must let go of your anger, your past and your failures. You must be willing to say that enough is enough and I will not live this way. Redirect your aggression in a positive manner. Use that weakness as a strength, a power and a force to launch you in a new and positive direction.

God has a plan for everything; He has a plan for you and for me. Use your experience to help others, do not stay in the trap of poor, poor pitiful me, my daddy is no good and no one cares about me. This is never true! No matter the circumstances, your parents love you, your family loves you. Take control, be positive and productive. Reject and distance yourself from those who wish to keep you in their circle of uncaring misfits.

Parent, if you are guilty of PA, STOP! It is never to late to just stop. Find happiness in your life and let the anger for your ex go. You will find your health will improve, your relationships will improve and your life overall will improve.

To all who have read this;

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things.
Philippians 4:8

  Bothers and Family; what blessings and positive role models we have in life!