Thursday, February 4, 2010
Can you try to co-parent with a crazy ex-wife?
Should you try to contact your ex-wife with concerns about your children’s behavior?
Should you try to be the best co-parent you can by discussing issues and making sure you don’t involve the kids?
Should you worry about such issues and differences?
On the date of the letter I sent below, Linda had the boys one week and I had them the next, every other week arrangement.
Each week when they came home they were a wreck and it took days for them to get rested and recover. Then they would start getting along and playing again with each other.
During the school parent – teacher conferences, Colton’s teacher would ask me about his sleeping habits. When I asked why, she pointed out that sometimes he comes to school with dark circles under his eyes. It seems this was happening every other week. I told her about the custody arrangement and then she comment that she understood.
I believe the answers to the questions above is YES.
But with an ex such as Linda, I honestly don’t know. No where have I found good advice on how to deal with someone like that.
Right or wrong, below was my effort at that time;
Thu 10/27/2005 8:36 AM
I’m very concerned with the boys, Josh seems ok but Kaleb is having a very hard time with authority, commitment fowl language he uses at times and discipline.
I think a lot has to do with your home atmosphere. Again, I’m told no bed times for the boys or at least not one that is enforced. I’m told that Kaleb spends time in his room alone with Sahara. I’m told they are found in bed, under the covers. This is really unacceptable behavior for a teenage boy and girl. I’m very afraid Kaleb will become a father before he gets out of school. This is happening at your house. This is your responsibility to over see and control. He is developing an attitude because he feels he has no rules or accountably. He can do what he wants, no bed time, doesn’t have to pick up after himself or keep his room no rules regarding his girl friend, and that he can just do as he pleases. He can lay in bed until he makes everyone almost late for school, play video games or computer games until he is tired and falls asleep. His attitude has to change very soon or we all will be sorry for our failure. Our house here has rules that are followed but it seems a huge change for them every week to adjust to being accountable. For the most part they do very well but it takes them 2-3 days to catch up on sleep and get use to having to do what they are told when they are told to do it. Parenting is not just having the kids like you because you don’t expect anything from them. It’s not a popularity contest. You seem to think that letting them away with stuff makes them like you more than me. I’m not out to have them like me more than you. I’m trying to make sure they are raised up so they have every opportunity in life.
Dakota will be right behind him, won’t eat stuff that you can’t put in a microwave, pouts if asked to clean up after himself. Again, in 2-3 days he is good but it happens every time they come home. Colton has to take a 1-2 nap before dinner and then in bed by 8:30. In 2-3 days the bags or gone from under his eyes and he doesn’t fight with the boys or act like a baby, after he gets rest. Dakota the same way, he has to get rest before his attitude changes.
I don’t care what you think about me, or that you want to take out some aggression, or extract some form of revenge against me. I do care how the boys are growing up. I’m begging you for he boys sake not to be the (push over, it’s ok) baby sitting mom. They need more. This lack of enforcing any type of rules and allowing them to do what they can’t do here, is not helping them, making them love you more than me,
The boys love you but have lost respect for you because of the inconstancy in the way they are treated. Any rules you have change from day to day and so they just disregard them and that is disrespectful to you. That attitude is easy to see. Kaleb didn’t get his home work done at you house last week. He had to do it here Sunday night before school. I was told that he and Sahara was watching movies all weekend. Just so you know, it seems Josh and Dakota really dislike her and resent that she is over there all week after school and all weekend long. Josh says he told her he is not giving her rides back and forth any more and I agree, it’s not his job. The way I understand it she picks back and forth with Dakota and Colton. Dakota doesn’t like her and Colton is back and forth, depending on how he is being treated. All of this is not fair to Kaleb who likes the girl. I would just think their time together should have limits.
This week Colton brought a new toy gun from your house. Please don’t allow this anymore. I don’t want the toys you buy to come up here. I have different rules and shooting each other in the house is not acceptable. Kaleb took it to a football dinner in town the other night and thought is was funny to shot kids from the truck. This is very dangerous, gang members are in town and mite see this in a very different way. I told him never to do that again.
You really need to start helping them and stop fighting what I’m trying to do all the time.