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Saturday, May 21, 2011

Very Personal Reply!

(note) views in this blog are of a very personal nature, but because my sons are now at a cross roads in their lives, I must make one more attempt to get past the bombardment of lies and get a truthful understanding.  

Well, after many months of relatively no contact by my ex wife Linda, that has changed. She is back again because of a meeting I had with my son Dakota. Mentally, as pointed out in the last blog, she feels threatened by the loss of any control or influence over the boys. She has been consumed with the blogs about this case as are the boys now. Sadly enough, she has poisoned the boys minds and especially the youngest. The callousness and total disrespect for me and his step mother is a learned by product of Parental Alienation (still, he is old enough to take responsibility for his own life). Linda continues to practice, repeat and hold steadfast to lies that have apparently taken hold in the children’s minds. This is and was her goal. To that end, she has won…but the boys have lost. Linda, you are Evil for what you have done. Your history of prescriptions for your condition is documented, yet that is not a reason for what you have done. Hereditary symptoms are something that were acknowledged years ago so why to do resist treatment?  Why did you fight so hard to keep the boys from continuing to see a professional? Even in the short time you visited with Dr Newell, he pegged your illness. You cannot deny his written statement to the court. No lie or anything else can argue with this. The internet is full of examples of women like you. Although as the Doctor stated you maybe, “over the top bad”. It is a huge problem for society so I guess you can take comfort in the fact that you are not alone, there are many disturbed women out there just like you, you are not special.

As promised, I will provide my thoughts to the recent e-mails and comments below.

In the past 24 hours there have been many obscene comments left by the self proclaimed gang banger. I refuse to be drawn down to his/her level with a reply. Such a person is lost and will be found only when his/her heart changes.

Someone has posted as Donna on a blog that Jan posts. I have seen this before, if it is not directly Linda then it is Linda words. I paste the whole comment here and reply in it in Blue. I will point out how she sets up the letter, and the lies in it.

I have known Linda and her boys for several years now It starts with setting a time line  and I can honestly now has to state she is telling the truth say that she has her boys' best interest at heart Shows how she only cares for the boys, not herself. She has struggled at times making herself the victim  because she hadn't received any child support for the boys from their father A convenient lie to help support her claim as the innocent victim of a rotten ex husband, any fool can see the court child support documents. $1,852 per month is what Linda was paid. I don't know Bruce personally and cannot judge him, then how could she have know Linda and the boys for several years? however I do see the hurt and anger that his boys now have. Really,,,both boys are running around showing the hurt and anger, how can she expect anyone to believe this letter? They are all great kids and he should be very proud of them and what they've accomplished. Yep, she knows them well. Colton just barely passed this last trimester and his GPA has dropped over a full point since he moved in with his mother. His attendance (over 30 missed days this year) is public record (as it will stay with him long after school and effect his job opportunities)

Linda has wanted to provide the best home for her boys and has had to move a couple of times. So what? Man, write a letter as a make believe person to excuse your actions (bankruptcy, moving 7 times, gambling and drinking, so many cars I lost count) …amazing.  I've done the same thing in my past, that doesn't make me a bad mother or person. Ok, so now she feels better about herself because her make believe friend has done the same thing…is there any questions now?  She has always been there for me when I needed a friend. Yes Linda, you are a great person in your mind, we understand that I have never seen this angry crazy bi-polar side of her that you speak of, but again why do you care so much? Anyone that has read anything to do with this case of parental alienation knows that mental illness is a key component of this behavior.

All that matters is the relationship between the boys and their father, you are not their family and have no rights in this relationship. Hmmm, yes ma’am, so you don’t know me but can comment on what role the boys step mother should have, and per you, without knowing Jan, or much at all about the boys, find that she (Jan the ex step mother) has no right of any kind. Who did you ask for this approval? And why do you think you could speak for me???  has Step back and let them alone. Linda, even in the 3rd person cannot help but make demands. It is her way to control the situation Someday Bruce will regret not being able to be with his boys when they were young adults. What a foolish person this is, doesn’t know me and can’t read blogs? I fought for years to save their childhood!  This is time you can replace; if you are truly ill then you should be even more willing to resolve your differences and move on Hmmm, goes from commenting on Jans blog and speaking to and about Jan, to addressing me directly, how can anyone make that jump in a conversation?  - at least until the end of your life. Ha ha, then has to point out that my life, percentage wise, will be short. Thanks for the concern Give these boys a memory they will have with them long after you are gone. Well, there it is, the complete circle. We now are back to where it all started, money! Dakota, not long ago sent me a request for money saying, that would be very “memorable”. Dang, I hate that those words and his request are such a close match in such a short time. I wish I had be wrong. Perhaps the boys will look at the photos posted here and the albums Jan and I gave them as a Christmas present. Those are great times and lasting memories that I want the boys to have. Not something like Dad bought me a car (my child support has done that many times over for Dakota already) for graduation or my 18th B day. But, my views are much different from Linda’s and now, I guess the younger boys also. Nice try Linda, I will reply to your letter below and then be done, this seems to be a lost cause.

Below you will see Linda on her best behavior in an attempt to disprove anything negative that anyone has ever said about her. It may work it you didn’t know her, if you didn’t have a huge suitcase full of old e-mails from her. Go through the old blogs and you will see comments from some of those e-mails and yes, they are a matter of public record.

Jan I will answer your question?? for the last time.... ha ha, like all linda does is try to get along with Jan and correct the bad things she says. Sorry, I can’t help but laugh because here we go…into la la land! (really, it’s how I have learned to deal with a very sick situation)
At the last child support hearing Bruce under oath told the judge that he gave you everything in your divorce No, that is not correct but close, I didn’t have much to give in (YAKIMA COUNTY) WHICH THERE IS NO RECORD OF oh Linda stop, that’s is just plain stupid...the judge stated that he must be divorced in Yakima County and he said yes he was....LIe Lie Lie.. Linda you are sick. How anyone, even yourself can believe otherwise, Crazy? The whole world acknowledges this. Everyone but you?
you know that as well as he does that divorce does not exist Whew, what can you say? How do you argue with this? This is public record and yet she will openly deny it in a letter. No one needs any further proof of what I say because Linda has made my point for me and has shown what I have tried to fight for years. I think the boys believe her about this also. If they can believe a lie that is so simple to expose, is there any wonder they believe other outrageous things she has said? How would a father stand a chance against such influence? .....So HE the JUDGE put this in the final order because he found it very interesting OK, have to stop there or we would get lost. NO. he put that in the order because you protested about it so, and he wanted to appease you and move on. I had no problem with it in the order and neither did my attorney, there was no objections of adding a matter of fact in the order. that all of a sudden Bruce gave you the orchard, truck trailer Porsche which you bought for him and sat there and said I don't own anything and have no income.. and gave it all away so thre is nothing for his sons No Linda, the record is public and the judge never had any such question. Those came from you when you presented your case. You add them here and no doubt speak about this like it is a matter of fact. If someone was not there or did not have the audio record, they may believe your lies, why would they not? What sane person would lie about such a thing? Then you ad this stuff about nothing for the boys? As the court investigator said in her report after interviewing you, you are more interested in money than in the boys welfare....Keep
posting all your pictures as the two of you are together and prob sitll married Now, in just a very few sentences you went from saying there was no divorce to saying, maybe??? If you don’t know, why say anything at all? it is interesting that you continue to go to Jans websites. The last time you did that from a Government computer and presented a bunch of printed pages from it, you were fired from your job   which I don't care but quit the lying and harassing of these boys If Jan has lied about something then list them linda. Number all those lies you speak about, shut her up, defend yourself and document the truth! Show the proof of your allegations! Now you stoop so low as to accuse Jan of harassment? Just come out and say it Linda, you hate Jan, always have, end of story!...They are great young men and their dad has missed out because of YOU Yep, there it is sure enough, Jan the step mother is the problem. The PA was going on long before Jan but indeed, marrying a smart and attractive LADY, sure brought out the jealousy and anger in Linda. Linda moved out and left the boys because she wanted a new man but she sure didn’t want anyone to have her old one. He chose YOU over his own sons and now is guilty for doing so Guilty of what? You made the orchard go away like you threatened and you broke up the marriage with your PA, you should be happy, why should I be guilty of anything other than being naive about the effect of Parental Alienation at the time. ....You yourself made terrible accusations against Dakota NO LINDA, NO ALIGATIONS, the TRUTH and that is DOCUMENTED with the interview in the commissioner chambers. You are sick to deny this, evil in your attempt to lie about the truth and doing a great disservice to Dakota and put cameras in your house.. You are a sick women
and point that finger at yourself Wow, incredible and disgusting
and look in the mirror...Hmmm how many times have you been married??? your a black widow spider that takes what she can and moves on to the next victim Man, you go Linda, hissssssssssss..The stress that Bruce talks about is from you and your games Hmmm, I never said that, hmmm, not at all. Yet Linda has no problem putting words in my mouth... Leave us all alone and get a life besides posting all this on the internet Did you see the last Blog I posted from a different site? It also talks about how the crazy ex will speak about the children and her being one and the same with them. Linda sure backs that one up here.........
The judge knew Bruce was lying O-my word, so now the judge knows I was lying but did nothing about it, how unbelievable and crazy is this???so that was put in the final order which gave me the opportunity to open the case back up if I wanted too...If linda really believed what she says, she would have done so in a heartbeat! It is easy to trot on down to the court house and see if someone is married. But no, Linda has no documentation of any of the accusations she makes, it’s just her words, she likes them, they sound good to her, and she repeats them out loud like they are the truth. Mind you, she does so without guilt or remorse, in her mind, she believes her own words.   Leave us all alone and move on with your LIFE.. .....Again, mother and children are still attached
Bruce is the one who had the attorney and I did not so quit blaming all this on me...What is this all about and where did that come from? I didn't write the order the judge did So, he wrote it as you asked, You wanted the opportunity to go after Jans income for child support if you could. He granted that to you. Jan just pointed out that YOU where wanting to get child support money from Jan ....STOP THE HARRASSMENT man, again with the word you love to use when the truth is presented. Truth = Harassment in Linda’s mind.... Do yourselves a favor and stop What favor would it be to cover up the truth? So the boys could not hear the truth and investigate for themselves? All the boys need is to ask themselves questions. If they wish for the truth then it is easy to see. If they don’t, then that is again their choice, but at least they will have a choice. the good christians you say you are your actions are a DISCRACE to those who really are..Interesting attack, but not something that I need to judge. The boys and anyone else can form an opinion about this pretty quickly REMEMBER 2012 IS RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER...If you had nothing to hide this wouldn't bother you so terribly bad Well, that is twisted! Where did it come from? Did I miss something in Jans blog about her being upset about the end of the world? Maybe it was me??? Well, I am concerned about the state of the world but not at the second coming of Christ. I know that will happen and it will be a day to rejoice in! hmmm, no one will be able to hide anything then, no body, not for any reason ...Deducate your lives to good things and not bad Attempting to save or repair a relationship with my sons by providing the truth is a good thing. An effort to educate others about the EVILS of Parental Alienation is a good thing. Trying to make changes in the family court system and hold officials and lawyers responsible for their wrong actions is a good thing. Trying to expose the abuse of children by this system and make correcting changes, is a good thing. Many people are fighting this same fight for the same reasons I am. I thank Jan for caring enough about the boys to put aside the attacks from you, the make believe friends and the little gang banger and continue to make FACTUAL posts.... All these blogs only put a wedge between those boys and their father further and further If the truth does that then so be it. If they are afraid of you and afraid of the truth, then nothing will change. If they are so intertwined and dependent on you at this time, then a truthful conversation is impossible. If they can’t handle the truth now, then I will wait until they grow up. I will always be here and I will always be inside them, I will always be their Dad, you can’t take that away, I have the photos and lasting memories   and that's exactly what you want...Bruce will bash Colton for his grades Bash Colton??? Gosh…unbelievable, now Colton’s poor grades and lousy attendance in school is somehow, something I want to use against Colton? Does anyone not hear those words in her house? Over and over and over…Every day? Can anyone deny the Doctors charges of Parental Alienation?  .. He has struggled because of abandonment from his father... Yes that's right abandonment...Now it is my fault, should have known that! I will not take the time here, because I could go on for hours. Really, I think I have, read the archived blogs, it is all there. I don’t think I need to tell anyone what I think of Lindas charges, just read the blogs. Well, then, really, after you finish this letter you will have the idea It has been since Aug of 2009 almost 2 years since he chose not to see Colton anymore Over and over, she will tell him this over and over, every day, day after day, That is why I call Linda sick, twisted and evil, That is why the BLOG, EVILS OF PA....and Bruce finally met with Dakota who is 18 now and hadn't seen him in almost a year and a don't blame me..Nope, we all understand now, linda is never to blame, linda is good, daddy is bad, got it.  you two are the aleinators and have caused your own issues...Yep, there it is, the truth is out of the bag now! Jan or me or Jan and me have alienated the boys from???Linda or ourselves??? Is that Parental Alienation, if you turn your children against yourself? Hmmm, that would be dumb. Then, wholly cow, to make it worse, you spend money on court investigations, attorneys, Doctors ect, grind your teeth to nubs and stress out to the point of losing your health….just to make sure the kids really don’t like you…hmmm, all makes sense now I bet you don't post this one as it contains the truth... and you know it Yes linda, your facts and documentations are just overwhelming! Misssy move on There you go Jan, just move on, Linda has spoken!...... I will not waste my time responding to anymore of your garbage GREAT NEWS! I am so glad that linda will not be wasting time on yours or my blog anymore. I bet that means she will stop the boys, Donna and the gang banger also huh.. I have a great life and have better things to do then post nasty things about people... Nasty things? The thing that is nasty is what Linda Kay Clark did to the family, childhood, religious upbringing, relationships and future of my Sons! Nasty and Evil.
Boys, you do what you wish. Look at the truth, and live your life with your heads up high. Work hard, play hard and enjoy life. If you wish a relationship, the door is open, the phone number is the same and the e-mail has not changed, yet. 



  1. HAHAHA u cant stop the mother fuckin "gang banger" im the mother fuckin DXG u cant mess with the best or ull dye like the rest. oh snap that isnt a threat either cant say its a threat now can u wannbe champ. ok brah u fuckin faget i bet this wont be posted just like the other comments i try to say u block. just keep postin this bullshit and turn everyones comments towards linda or the "gang banger"-me when other people tell u off like donna did. anyone can say oh its a made up person that linda created to try and hide from the truth and help ur illness. and wouldnt ur bitch ass wannabe getting sum help if u hav "cancer" instead of wasting time on blogging on the internet cuz im pretty sure this is toooo stressful for the both of yall. so fuck u and fuck anyone that gots a problem with the "gang banger" and u can see im not hiding in a hole my name is Gang Banger oh and my middle name is MotherFuckin so my door is open for ur weak cancer ass- oh and if u dont wanna give ur son money ill take the money instead. The Gang Motherfuckin Banger is out for the night CHEERS Bitch

  2. Do you know this person? Is this what our children have become? Whose son is this anyway? Is this really a human being? Goodness sakes, this must be a very disturbed man.

  3. Sadly I think I do. I know the person and yet, it is not the person I knew. The whole ordeal of the divorce has taken its toll. PA changes children forever and it is not for the better. Enough said.

  4. I was lonely, I prayed “GOD, please grand me with your grace a wife, someone I can love, someone I can care for, someone you distend for me, and I will promise to cherish this person for the rest of my life”. Shortly after, you came into my life.

    But it was not love at first sight; it was compassion, empathy, kindness, consideration and the understanding of your hardship and pain.

    At first, you appear sweet, shy, vulnerable and “ambivalently in need of being rescued"; looking for her Knight in Shining Armor.

    In the beginning, I felt a rapidly accelerating sense of compassion because you are master at portraying yourself as the "victim of love" and I was saving you. Looking closely I could see you as a victim. (Years later you are still master at portraying yourself as the victim) As your peculiar emotional invasion advances upon me, I would hear how no one understands you, except me. Other people have been "insensitive." You where betrayed just when you start trusting people. But there is something "special" about me now, because "I really seem to know you now." I totally ignored the pleas from my friends and family to not get involved with you, I told them they just didn't really know you and I would prove them wrong.

    It is this intense way you have of bearing down on me emotionally that can feel very seductive. I would feel elevated, adored, idealized, almost worshiped, maybe even to the level of being uncomfortable. And I felt that way very quickly. It may seem like a great deal has happened between the two of us in a short period of time, because conversations are intense, your attention, and your eyes so deeply focused on me.

    Here are you, a woman who may look like a dream come true. You not only seem to make me the center of your attention, but you even crave listening to my opinions, thoughts and ideas. You enjoy everything I enjoy doing, we seemed to be a perfect match made in heaven. It seemed like I had really found my true heart's desire.

    Like many things that seems too good to be true, this definitely was. It all seemed so real because it is real in your mind. But what is in your mind is not what you perceive to be happening.

  5. Once you had successfully candied your hook with your adoration, you welded it into place by “reeling in” my attention and concern. Your intense interest in me subtly transformed over time. You appeared to be interested in me, but no longer in what I am interested in. Your interest becomes my exclusive interest in you. This was when I started to notice “something”. My thoughts, feelings and ideas fascinated you, but more so when they focused on you. I could tell when this happened because I could feel you "perk-up" emotionally whenever my attention focuses upon your feelings and issues. Those moments emotionally hooked my compassion more deeply into you, because that is when you treated me well, tenderly.

    It’s was here where I begin to confuse my empathy with love, and I believe I am in love with you. My instinct was so strong and rescuing at the heart of my being or code to existence. Adult love is built on mutual interest, care and respect - not on one-way emotional rescues. And mothering is for kids. Not grown men like me.

    I’d fall prey to this Trojan horse and let you inside my city gates, the first berserker to leave the Trojan horse was the devious clinger. A master at strengthening your control through empathy, you are brilliant at eliciting sympathy and identifying those most likely to provide it like a steady-tempered and tender hearted.

    But now that we are married the world ails you. Physical complaints are common. You back hurts, your head aches. Peculiar pains of all sorts come and go like invisible, malignant companions. If I only tracked their appearances, though, I may have seen a pattern of occurrence connected to the waning or waxing of my attentions. Your complaints are ways of saying, "don't leave me. Save me!" And your maladies are not simply physical. Your feelings ail you too.

    You are either depressed or anxious, detached and indifferent or vulnerable and hypersensitive. You can swing from overjoyed protest to mournful gloom at the blink of an eye. Watching the erratic changes in your moods is like tracking the needle on a scale chart next to an active volcano, and I would never know which flick of the needle will predict the big explosion.

  6. But after every emotional thrill you plead for my mercy. And when I was imbedded in your guilt-hooks deep enough into my conscientious nature, I will stay around and continue tracking this volcanic earthquake, caught in the illusion that I can discover how to stop this mountain before it blows again. But, in reality, staying around this black pot of emotional unpredictability was pointless. Every effort to understand or help you was an excruciatingly and pointless exercise in emotional rescue.

    How can I describe this: I am a sea rescue boat and you are a drowning woman. But you drown in a peculiar way. Every time I pull you out of the turbulent sea, feed you warm coffee and snacks, wrap you in a comfy blanket and tell you everything is okay, you suddenly jump overboard and starts pleading for help again. And, no matter how many times I rush to this emotional - rescue, you still keep jumping back into trouble. It is this repeating, an endlessly frustrating pattern which should confirm to me that I was involved with a borderline personality disorder individual. No matter how effective I am at helping you, nothing is ever enough. No physical, financial or emotional assistance ever seems to make any lasting difference. It's like pouring the best of me into a galactic-sized psychological black hole of bottomless emotional hunger. And if I kept pouring it in long enough, one-day I will fall right down that hole myself. There will be nothing left of me but my own shadow, just as it falls through you predatory "event horizon." But before that would have happened, other signs would have revealed your true colors.

    Sex with you at first was incredible. You would be instinctually tuned in to reading my needs. It seemed wonderful but it was only for a short while... then the kids came.

    The intensity of your erotic passion swept me away, but your motive is double-edged. One side of it comes from the instinctually built-in, turbulent emotionality of your disorder. Intensity is your trump-card. But the other side of you are driven by an equally instinctually and concentrated need to control me. The sexual experiences, while imposing, where motivated from a desire to dominate me, not please me. Your erotic intensity will be there in a cunning way tailored so I would not readily observed it.

    Your adaptation of “I love you” actually means – “I need you to love me”. And “That was the best ever for me” means – “it was the best ever for you”. Show me now how you did not have me.

  7. You succeeded and were in control, what happens next, the Hater appears. This hateful part of you may have emerged before during our confrontations. Shouting, fowl language, silent withdrawal, cutting, but I refused to see, bitter bloom until you feel you achieved a firm hold on my conscience and compassion.

    What gives this rage its characteristically borderline flavor is that it is very difficult for someone witnessing it to know what triggered it in reality. But that is its primary identifying clue: the actual rage-trigger was always difficult for me to see. But in your mind it always seems to be very clear, correct? To you, there was always a cause. And the cause was always me. Whether it is the tone of my voice, how I think, how I feel, dress, move or breathe or "the way I was looking at you," – I’ve always justified your rage by blaming me for "having to hurt you."

    Your rage reactions were always unpredictable and unexpected. They happen when I least expect it. And they can become extremely dangerous. It all served to break me down over time. My self esteem melted away. I changed and altered my behavior in hopes of returning to the “seductive stage”. And periodically I would be able to manage, but in short term only cycle back to the evil hater stage when I least expect it.

    The intention of my letter is not to crucify you for what was done and force guilt on past experiences, but trying to encourage you to look deep inside yourself, to find the very core of your emotional distress and turmoil. Don’t continue to blame others for your "bad luck", but acknowledge the responsibility for your own actions. Stop playing the victim role, dependence and responsibility to oneself will be your pathway to happiness within you. And with happiness within you will come to love for oneself.

    I want to highlight key experiences and observations during our marital years. The feeling of neglect was experienced both ways; your experiences are unique to you and mine to me. No one can ever predict or infringe what you may have felt nor can anyone dare contradiction to mine, only the ability to theorize what it might have been approximating to. I want to share mine with you in the hope you relate and judge your actions and mine accordingly.

  8. During the very early days, I felt love, companionship and to some level of commitment from you, we had fun together, enjoyed life as a family. I had to break the habit of being in my own world and it was hard. I did manage for a while, you made me choose by setting an ultimatum during one of our arguments. I was not neat, I had bad habit’s which evolved during all my time alone. You needed more from me then, I remember clear how you request we in bark on couple’s therapy. I was ignorant, “she is asking me this only in our first year?” I was full of myself and selfish to assume we do not need prospective from outside. I thought at that time granting you individual counselling might assist your emptiness and depression. It did not prove its purpose. We had one counselling session together, but I was not set to believe we need to continue and was more concern about the financial complications rather changing my mind set as an investment into our relationship. Yet you stood by my side.

    Our marriage days deteriorated our relationship; we started living past each other. We had our good times, but it was shadowed by the bad ones. The bliss in disguise was time apart; my times spend away on business made me long for your companionship and sweeten the relationship once returned but only for a very short period of time. Relocating, provided us with hope of reconciliation in our relationship. The hope of rectifying our faults and problems was strong within both of us. At this time I felt distance from you, I felt the love, I felt the companionship but the commitment was on the brink of extinction. Our communication broke down to a point where we lived different lives emotionally. You where distant and alone, I experienced abandonment, love making changed to sex and that was where we got wedged. I started communicated to you about all my fears, peeves, dislikes, heartache and pain the only other way I knew how, by email, to avoid impulse discussions and confrontational triggers. I’ve written books and books to you but hardly received anything back except your acknowledgements of my letters. This was the same when we tried a dialogue.

    I moved during our three weeks apart I reconnected to you emotionally, I dread life without you. I spend hours on the phone just listening to your voice. I slept with no ease, and felt the constant emptiness without my companion and life partner. Counting the days, the hours, the minutes for me to see you again and bring you home, home was always being together with you, no matter where or when. Things felt splendid in our new surrounding from my point of view but you never reconnected with me completely. You where distant then, the first impression you bestow was your pursue to happiness, happiness but with something “out their”, and declare our differences and emphasize our incompatibility towards each other. Alarms were raised, yet I was ignorant to accept the signs. Since the break in our communication none of us could acknowledge where we were positioned in the relationship. I reached out to you in my letters and emails as in previous occasions; I received the same type of acknowledgements for my letters from you. Still, discussing any matter with dialogue either ended in grueling resentment or sorrow with no accomplishment to whatever issue at hand. The one truly personal letter you written to me was the goodbye letter in March after I confronted you with the affair. Your written stories on the laptop, your style intrigued me, yet you could not address something similar to me. It is perfectly understandable that you are busy most of the times, but making time for something you feel important is always possible. This is now part of the past, I am just sharing an experience. Due to our communication problem, we could not shape each other, we could not work on ourselves through our partner’s eyes and we could not address our problems and find constructive solutions. This is very sad, but so true.

  9. I need to tell you something very important, something that took so much effort finding an answer to.

    Think, that feeling deep inside you, the one who remained unexplained for so long, the one that made you seek the unknown, the hunger for new experiences and new men, creating the emptiness deep within you making you seek new thrills and the level of attention you hunger from embarking in new relationships? It is the fear for emotional abandonment, the most feared circumstance to most personalities. It did not happen overnight or over time, it’s been with you for your whole life and will stay unless you disclose it. It stepped into my Life, and affected me to some extend I could not comprehend but I am not susceptible to its destruction like you.

    I am overwhelmed with this troubled sentiment in writing this to you now and realize your frantic efforts to avoid real and imaginable abandonment.

    During your life and relationships, emotionally abandoned played the key role contradicting your next move. Your needs were not met. You never developed trust. You did not learn to love. You did not experience what it felt like to be loved or nurtured. You learned to abandon yourself. You could cultivate but often don't for fear of the pain that stands between the false self and the lost authentic self. Time and time again, from within the center, you would abandon and re-abandon yourself. You get agitated or angry and that it is always someone else's fault. I will admit, I was the trigger to some anger and I dearly regret.

    You learned to soothe yourself with smoking, gambling, partying and affairs. You never learned that your feelings are your own and that no one has the power to make you feel anything. You choose what you feel. People that came into your life, friends, or lovers, are not doing so to re-parent you. This may sound simplistic but it is one of the base sources of why you are not able to sustain consistent long-term relationships or friendships to this day. It is that neediness, those abandonment fears, that lack of trust along with the "acting out" of your past and the looking to another to do what you need to do for yourself. Each of us must take care of ourselves. You demand that another take care of you, when they try, they then effectively abandon themselves. Then you have two wounded people.

    Take a piece of paper, and start writing your own autobiography. You will realize a pattern and this I explained to you will fall in to place. You remember your whole life, I always knew, you decided on the level of information deemed for my ears. You tested me during our marriage, tested my level of commitment. Maybe you don’t realize it now but I took notice. I was intrigued and focused attention, but I failed since my reaction to the news was expected in another manner. You mentioned my flaw to my reaction a few times after this episode. I did acknowledge but was uncertain “Is she testing me again?”

    You most likely think I am lost in a world of my own philosophy, but listen to me, for once, I’ve tried to explain before and I am doing this now for the last time. I was obsessed in finding sense in this all, I spend hours upon hours reading and asking for answers to my questions. I am the ONLY one having to deal and experienced you for a very lengthy time. I understand the motives behind your affairs; I understand your flirtatious behavior, I understand your quest for freedom, I understand your drive for some form of accomplishment in life. You are not ready to settle down and never were, and at this moment you are not ready to be helped by anyone unless you help yourself first and doing it right.

  10. I explained to you a few weeks back on the phone, with you in tears. This relationship you are embarking on is going to fail, it will fail and it will hurt you even more and it will not stop. Your motives are unhealthy.
    If you remember correctly, I called you while still living with warning you this “roommate” arrangement is a mistake. Your ignorance to this matter was beyond my control. This poor guy is experiencing everything I’ve explained above exactly the way I have and that I could see the development very quickly with the few glimpses into this new relationship. You will get bored, you will get to a point of abandonment and you will wound another soul. You need to be honest with yourself and seek help. I attempt to convince you on numerous occasions stay depended on yourself. I wish I could do something about it, but it is too late for me to rescue you. I can’t rescue you anymore, someone else filled that position and I fear he is not mature enough to realize. You are free to decide whatever you feel like; I am trying to shine light in a very dark hole of emotional disarray. I will not elaborate any further on the status of your relationship.

    If I am correct you are trying to manage this tremendous anguish, psychological pain, and deep shame inside you. Don’t let the hatred by others preclude you by focusing on yourself. I don’t want to see you get hurt, hurt you inflect on yourself. Regrettably, I can predict the path you are following now is paved with rocks and thorns and if you fall, who will next be in front to pick you up.

    You hurt me bad in March, you hurt me more in August and almost killed me in September. My self-esteem broke down to its foundation. I feel so used for the security and stability I had to offer. I was the cash cow providing and caring. Now, you threw me away and moved on to the next, leaving me behind to pick my own life up. With this letter to you I hope to find my closure, I feel free now, not from you but from the betrayal. The pain in my heart is settling down and I still have some way to go. I don’t have any motive to study my history anymore. This was a painful journey during my quest to seek answers. But now I must grant myself time to grief the loss of my wife and kids and heal my wounds. The longing for my companion will fade.

    I loved you I think at some early point in our relationship, but I am moving in an opposite direction from you now. I accepted the inevitable. My life does not include you anymore and I begin to understand and re-live my own ideals and prospects. Due to circumstances the pain and scars are too raw within me to accepted you as a person back in my life. I am slowly finding happiness, happiness with myself and happiness with others around me. I am beginning to look physically good, taking real care of myself. I was rejecting myself for too long, I don’t blame you, in the past I just had more important focus areas in my life than myself, my family.

    I am saying goodbye with this letter. This letter might have no value to you now and judge me for what I told you, but perhaps in a few years from now when I have moved on with a new woman and am unreachable, perhaps settled with my own truly loving wife.
    Please take what I have said in consideration.