Avoid PA by working on your marriage!

If we are going to have true intimacy in our marriages, we have to disarm the issues that hinder it. One of those is anger. Anger can be destructive in a marriage.

The first thing I want you to know is that anger is inevitable. It's a normal response. You will never be so spiritual that you don't get angry. Jesus even got angry. Great marriages still have anger.

Anger that occurs today is manageable. There's nothing wrong with it. But yesterday's anger is a very dangerous thing. Ephesians 4:26-27 says, "Be angry, and do not sin: Do not let the sun go down on your wrath, nor give place to the devil."

What that passage means is that anger, if it is not dealt with, can become toxic and destructive. It can harden hearts. It has to be resolved in righteous way. If it is not dealt with—if you let the sun "go down" on it—then it builds in intensity for the next time.

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God never designed us to be a repository for anger. We are made for anger to enter for a brief time, and then leave. Never to stay. That's why the Bible is so insistent on forgiveness, because we can't endure it. Unforgiveness and pent-up anger are corrosive on every level.

Anger leads to a whole system of thoughts—fear, accusations, pride—that can create a destructive barrier between you and your spouse. Every time anger arrives and you don't deal with it, that wall grows higher.

So we must resolve anger in marriage. How should we do it?

First, we need to choose the right setting. Don't do it around the kids. Your children need to watch you relate and talk things out, but serious issues should be handled in private when your emotions are under control.

Second, begin every confrontation with affirmation. Research indicates that a conversation never rises above the level of the first three minutes. The way you start talking to each other dictates how the conversation will end. If you begin with threats, you've already set a negative tone for the conversation.

Instead, begin by saying, "I love you and I'm glad that we're married, but I need to talk to you about something." We're made in God's image, and Psalm 100 says we enter His courts with praise—with positive words.

Finally, communicate your complaint without fixed judgments or interpretations. There's a difference between complaining and criticizing. Complaining is talking about me and my feelings, but without interpreting it—because I don't know what's in your heart.

Criticizing is an attack. It's me telling you how you're feeling and interpreting your motives. It makes the other person defensive. Complaints should be about a specific issue ("You said this and it made me feel stressed out") rather than a global one ("You never do anything around here").

Don't go to bed angry. Create in your marriage a habit pattern of dealing with it every day. When you do deal with conflict, do it the right way: respectfully, with kindness and a tender heart.

You won't be able to avoid anger, but you can avoid its destructive qualities by never letting it fester. Don't let the sun go down on your anger.

 Taking time to enjoy each other and all the blessings that God gives us. Love you Baby :)

How will you be remembered?

When your story is read from the book of life, will you be proud?

As parents we all must consider our actions.

As men and women, we must know that lies, deceptions and the purposeful intent to harm someone or someone’s relationship with a child, family member or new husband or wife is deplorable.

If you have an ex that is practicing Parental Alienation then my heart goes out to you. Being on the receiving end of such hate and witnessing the destruction it has on your children, I have concluded that PA is a form of rape, rape of one’s mind. It steals away their innocence; it destroys their childhood and alters their future forever.

PA and the acceptance of it by a child; that is the brainwashing effect it has on a developing mind, is devastating for the child. It is only by the grace of God and an inter strength that children suffering this kind of abuse will ever become happy and productive adults. You cannot poison your child’s love for the other parent and expect them to grow up content with their life. The sad fact is that many children that suffer from PA become very angry and withdraw from any positive relationship with an adult. They instead turn to depression because of their situation. They engage in risky behavior in the attempt to find love and meaning in their life. Sex and drugs are among the top pacifiers but may lead to total rebellion against anyone or anything they perceive as an authority figure. You will see the child pull back from the activities they once enjoyed. Their school grades will suffer. Their attitude towards officials, rules and laws will diminish. The very thing that they were once proud of and enjoyed…will become a thing of their past and their childhood friends will no long wish to have a relationship with such a person. This leads to a downward spiral resulting in the loss of that child. Yes, this also means turning their back on you, the one that has tried so hard to make your child hate your ex. It has been said in many different ways that you cannot elevate your own standing by tearing someone else down. Purposely and intentionally inflecting pain and suffering on someone is not a noble endeavor. It is, self serving and in the case of PA, evil in the result.

I have volunteered and worked with many developmentally disabled young adults, mostly with those coming out of incarceration of some sort. They all have anger issues to deal with and looking into their past, they all have one or two parents that suffer from low self esteem and narcissistic behavior. Many of these young adults suffer from the actions of the mother. That is, FAS (drunks), smoking and drug use. The mothers were more concerned with their own pleasure than that of the child they were carrying. The child will suffer from that abuse for the rest of their lives. While some have not allowed the help they need, many embrace a positive role model. They become hopeful and not only wish to become, but in fact become aware of their own plight a chose to reject their pain and anger and instead whole heartily immerse themselves into a positive and productive lifestyle. Therefore I know that these young men and women can change their lives, I know that children that suffer from Parental Alienation can also!

I write this post in hopes that any child or young adult that reads it will fully understand that their life is what they wish to make it. I hope and pray that they all find peace and reconcile with their parent, parents or estranged family members. You can have the live to deserve, but you must have the courage to change. You must let go of your anger, your past and your failures. You must be willing to say that enough is enough and I will not live this way. Redirect your aggression in a positive manner. Use that weakness as a strength, a power and a force to launch you in a new and positive direction.

God has a plan for everything; He has a plan for you and for me. Use your experience to help others, do not stay in the trap of poor, poor pitiful me, my daddy is no good and no one cares about me. This is never true! No matter the circumstances, your parents love you, your family loves you. Take control, be positive and productive. Reject and distance yourself from those who wish to keep you in their circle of uncaring misfits.

Parent, if you are guilty of PA, STOP! It is never to late to just stop. Find happiness in your life and let the anger for your ex go. You will find your health will improve, your relationships will improve and your life overall will improve.

To all who have read this;

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things.
Philippians 4:8

  Bothers and Family; what blessings and positive role models we have in life!

Just stick to your values and keep on keeping on!

Isaiah 40:31

“But those who wait on the Lord will find new strength.     (waiting is the hard part, you must have faith!)

They will fly high on wings like eagles.     (You will get a reward, and it may come in many forms)

They will run and not grow weary.    (because you have the Lord in your heart, He will strengthen you)

They will walk and not faint”.    (You will stand by your convictions and go forward with truth and facts)

Unlike most other plants, Chinese bamboo is quite unique on its own (like your child). When this bamboo is planted, watered, and nurtured for the whole growing season (just as parent that suffers separation from their child due to PA, you still need to nurture in your own way), it does not outwardly develop even just for an inch. (do not get discouraged when your efforts show no result) Then, on the next growing season, the farmer must continue to irrigate, fertilize and care for the bamboo tree and yet nothing happens – it fails to sprout just the same. (Time and time again, year after year it seems that you fail in your effort)

And as the seasons go in and out, the farmer has to continue caring for the bamboo for four consecutive years. (just keep on trying, don’t change) What could really be discouraging is the farmer has nothing substantial to demonstrate for all of his labor in caring and growing the tree. Four lonely years of hard work and caring and yet you have nothing! (just like with the efforts to educate your child or children, you can becomes discouraged, don't give in to that pressure)

And then on the fifth year, something so amazing and incredible Happens! (you just never know the day when all your work will pay off)

All the hard work seems to be paid off on the fifth year because that Chinese bamboo tree seed at last grows and not just growing as we normally see with other plants. The bamboo tree shoots up to more than 80 feet all in just one growing season! Now, that is a very astonishing demonstration of the power of nature! (you have hope, just as the farmer waits for this tree and those who love God wait on the Lord, just keep watering and waiting!)

                   So many smiles, so much love!

Doctors Comment

The Doctors Comment is below my remarks

It is nice to know that the people who view this blog are a very diverse crowd. Most are victims of PA or a mental disorder in some manner but we also have those like this doctor who are willing to take the time to contribute to the information posted here.

The point of my  blog is that information is the only real way to combat the lies that have been told and drilled into to your children’s minds.

The debate from the good Doctor could be; does the mental illness from a PA practicing parent effect the mental wellness of your children. Or, is it genetic? Look at the practicing parent, does his or her parents suffer from a mental illness? Do they show signs of odd behavior? If so, is it preordained that the children will suffer also?

I maintain that in most cases, we make our own choices. That if your children can get away from the crazy, mentally ill parent, they can grow up with at least a better value structure in life and thus, perhaps, raise and treat their own families better and without the  Parental Alienation that effected their own lives, ruined their childhood and maybe adversely effected their future happiness.

Pray for those children, that their minds and their happiness can be filled, made whole and complete with the love of God.

Dr N PHD has left a new comment on your post "Comment posted":

Yes, unfortunately we do learn from our environment. A great example is the poem “Children Learn What They Live”.
However, this poster is not taking into consideration the evidence which clearly shows that BPD, Bi-Polar, schizophrenia, Anxiety/Panic, Depression and a host of other mental illness is proven to be Genetic so with that said, merely showing the children that their mother is suffering from mental illness simply may not work because a percentage of those same children are going to be suffering from a mental illness also.
Sincerely,
Dr. N PHD



Posted by Dr N PHD to Evils Of Parental Alienation at May 4, 2011 6:21 PM

 In my case, the doctors words are interesting as my ex was on medication for years, perhaps still is (or should be) and that other doctors point out that her actions indicate a mental problem. All the court documents point to and suggest that she has an extreme anger problem and without a doubt, (documented) practices Parental Alienation and has for years even while we were still married. I was just to blind and to ignorant of this issue to see it.

Yet the sick and evil part that the court systems plays in all of this, is just as disturbing and disguising

 The love of grandchildren is such a blessing! It helps to fill the deep holes in your heart.

Mistakes, are they that hard to deal with?

Below is a mailer I get, so you can click on the link and go to their website.

It deals with employees but applies to us all.

How to Deal with Mistakes

Let’s face it. Mistakes occur.  And when they do, there are five basic response options, five different approaches you and your team members can take:

1. You can ignore it. (The I-Couldn’t-Care-Less Approach)
2. You can hide it. (The Cover-Up Approach)
3. You can blame others. (The Deflection Approach)
4. You can blame circumstances. (The Excuses Approach)
5. You can admit to it, fix it, and learn from it – accepting any appropriate consequences like an adult.

Care to guess what approach that last one is?  It’s The RESPONSIBLE Approach!
..
How about "Cowboy up!"

And the Yearly Harassment from Linda Clark continues.

Last year at tax time Linda mistakenly (nice word for lied) claimed Dakota on her tax returns as well as Colton. But the fact is, her attorney wrote the document and it was stated and agreed upon in open court that Linda would claim Colton and I would claim Dakota for tax reasons. This will give Linda the advantage of using the deduction for 3 or 4 years longer than me. OK, that is fine, I did not protest anything or ask for alternating years…But this is not good enough for Linda as she lied last year when claiming Dakota. This year because I over looked the new child support agreement, Linda will get all the child tax credits even though I pay all the support! I have told you all before to never trust a lawyer and yet I make that mistake over and over in this case. Thank goodness I pay more attention to documents in my job, or I would be fired! I think that I just get blind when it comes to my own family court case. I just don't want to deal with it. Anyway, that is always a mistake and will just cost me more time and money again.

Everyone must understand that my ex wife, the boys mother, did lie last year on her federal tax form (claiming that I was late with a support payment. Documents from the WSSR were necessary to to demonstrate to the IRS that my return was truthful)  If you can blatantly lie on a federal income tax form with such disregard and openness, how can anyone question but what she has willing lied to her attorney, to the court, the community and mostly, to her own sons!

She planed her most resent attacks on me while her youngest and most vulnerable son (that is in her custody) struggles in school and his personal life, yet she does nothing to help him!

Any rational and reasonable person would adjust their anger and priorities, in order to help her son.  And yet as it has been shown on this Blog, people with mental disorders cannot see or understand facts that are before them. I know that the BPD is a huge factor her, and that with kids, parental alienation has a over whelming impact on their views, but documented facts cannot be disputed!

I have also became aware that the child protection agency has recently sent Linda some kind of letter. I can only surmise that it has something to do with the exorbitant absents of her youngest son from school and perhaps the issues revolving around a grade point average that has dropped so significantly in such a short time.

It is no wonder that her attacks and harassment toward myself and others, corresponds with her receiving such a letter. This is standard with those who have a disorder. They cannot look inward objectively, they can only attempt to change the focus from themselves to others and do so with outlandish and hateful allegations.

If you are in this same type of viscous circle with your ex wife and can’t understand what is happening to you, you are not alone!

I don’t care about her (the ex wife Linda) I have come to expect this type of stuff from her though. Still, I will not condone it, I will not roll over or bend over, I must…just deal with it. It is my sons, the ones she has always attempted to alienate from me that concerns me. She has been successful in her goal, there is no doubt about that. Still, they are older now and should be able to recall all the stuff she has been said and how I finally had to show them the e-mails in my own defense against her lies. Perhaps I will need to do this again with all my saved court documents. I think they are to the point in their own lives where they must MAN up and acknowledge the facts.

Please say a prayer for us all.

….

Children and Brothers, what are their Responsibilities.

Well,

It is hard to be a father, harder to be an alienated father.

As you know I fought as hard as I could for as long as I could for all my sons. Still, I cannot combat the damage done with this whole mess.

What I want to do today is address or give my views as a father and how I would expect my sons, that know the truth, to conduct themselves.

After my post about the court system and stuff I included comments I saw on facebook from my sons and others.

It was very clear that Kaleb was very upset to make such a public comment. I felt very sorry for him and the situation he was in. I did speak with him on the phone about it and he talked me out of actions I was about to take for his and Dakotas sake. I understood his reason and respected it.

I wish he could return the same respect. Even though I love him and I believe he loves me, the respect is not there, from him to me. I say this because his mother must have saw the blog and then he attack me. He sent a message cussing me out, calling me names and telling me how it was all my fault that he would now get kicked out of his mother’s house and have to live in his car. Now, because of the comment from his mother that I have posted on this blog, should I trust her or him? She, Linda says that the whole thing was just a trap on their part for me or perhaps Jan to fall into. I don’t follow the logic there so, I trust what Kaleb has sent. That his mother threatened and perhaps has (I have not talk with Kaleb since he sent the message, never replied)  kicked him and his wife out of that house for making their comments on face book.

What upsets me about his message is there is no responsibility on his part. I never made those comments on a public place like face book, he did! He commented, his wife commented, Dakota commented and Josh commented. He is worried about himself when he should be worried about his brother! Kaleb is grown and married, it is time to stand up and be a man. He has no problem confronting me, or worrying about how I feel, but somehow he still seems very dependent on his mother. I don’t know all what goes on in that house and I don’t care except where conduct is damaging to my sons. Dakota seems to be doing fine, still as he had more solid back ground. Make no mistake, he was very much a part of the PA and lies to the court and others but I think he did so knowingly. Colton, I believe is convinced of all his mothers lies. This is why the change in his behavior, because he resents all my values, because of the teachings of his mother through parental alienation. While Josh stood up to the lies and attacks when he still was here and acted as the stabilizing factor in the family when they were at Lindas house, that ended when he graduated and moved.

The boys fear the verbal abuse from their mother, and I know they try to avoid it at all costs. But, the cost now is the loss of their youngest brother if they don’t stand up and be men. Dakota will be out of school in June and the two older boys have long been out of school and are, or should be independent by now. Their mother does not need them for support. Their brother does! His life and his future begs for his older brothers support, their influence and their love.

Kaleb just coped out when he attacked me.  He made the comments very public. If he didn’t want others to know, then posting them on face book was a very poor idea! I believe he wanted others to know because his loves Colton and was in a panic about what was going on. That was good, to get it out in an attempt to help his brother. But don’t fall down and blame others at the 1^st sight of problems. STAND UP! Take responsibility for your actions, confront your mother, confront your brother, get help and support from your other brothers! Stick together for Coltons sake and help him!!! Don’t bail out when the going gets tough. You made the stand, stand together and help! Dang it guys…Colton needs you all right now, HELP HIM! If you love your mother and you love Colton, do the right thing and address this issue.

You know these thing are true now or will be shortly;

Colton will be alone in that house, his mother will be out on a date many times during the week.

His mother does not know where he is at most of the time now.

She does not know where he spends the weekends, what he is doing or with who.

She will deny any wrong doing on his part or on her own part for that matter.  

He is doing stuff that is illegal and wrong.

He is struggling with his school grades and it’s not because of intelligence.

He is not attending classes because he has no respect for your mother and never has. She can’t force him to do anything, he is the KING.

(in 10 days of school in April, he has 3 unexcused, 1 excused, 1 other absences and 1 tardy!) 24 times this year Colton has been absent!!!! And 20 times tardy! (yes, I called  the school and got back on the site that Linda had me removed from)

He is 14 years old guys, 14 years old! Be brothers, help him.

You can blame me too if you like and there is enough of that to go around, but instead of blaming…do something positive together and help him. You are men yourselves now, act like it.

If you think I can do something you let me know and I will get in the fight again, Colton deserves no less from us. It seems that me just backing out and letting them all have their way, has not worked out so well for Mr. Colton. (It was my hope that he would grow up happy and without the constant conflict if I removed myself from the equation, I was wrong).  He was just a baby when his mother left us all (yes, man up and  remember, she left all you guys and me for months and moved next door to her boyfriend. Remember all the time you asked me where she was at night before see left us? I told you she was painting a house we bought, I lied to you in hopes of buying time. I was wrong, the truth no mater what is always best. You can live with it, not lies) and has had his childhood stolen from him. Think of him, he is your brother and we all have responsibility in his upbringing and his future. 

If you have the feeling that I am upset you are correct! It is the craziness of the whole situation and the deterioration of my youngest sons life, your brother, that has me seeing red.

Be advised, there is no doubt but what your mother will read this and maybe before you do, Man up and deal with it!

Linda, while you have been spending time writing comments attacking me and attacking Jan, your son has missed 5 days of school. Maybe your time as a mother would be better spent correcting that situation instead of writing comments and visiting the school to have me removed from the website information. Will you never understand responsibility!!! The world does not revolve around you and your desires! If you don't want to be a parent then say so and I will take Colton and still pay you the stupid child support you whore after. Keep it! GIVE MY SON BACK!!!   GIVE HIM A LIFE!

2nd comment from Linda Clark

Again, the letter illustrates a disturbed mind and how it uses personal attacks, lies and  PA as tools.

Nowhere does she address the school issue, but, she has just recently, personally walked in and had me removed from using the school website to view grades and attendance. This is how the issue was address in her mind, as long as I (Dad) don’t know about it or can’t find out, it will be ok and her actions or consequences for inaction, won’t be exposed, all at the expense of the children. I don't think their welfare has ever been the 1st consideration and e-mails and documents will substantiate my claim.

The letter is below and I will add my comments within it, in BLUE

Anonymous said...

Jan you just now stated NOW that your legally seperated hmmmm which is dated April 2011..Looking at the blog it clearly shows the date as February or 2009. I wonder sometimes, can a person be so blind or is she cunning in the way she blots out the facts that are before her eyes? To include the truth would stop any argument or comment so she has to deliberately avoid the truth.   Hmmm again Brucer purgered himself in court back in Oct 2010 stating more then once he was legally divorced from you... in Yakima county, I stated the fact also they may find it interesting to see your web pages and all the photos you have posted... of yourselves together dated 2011..There is no secret that I still love and enjoy Jan. I hope for a full reconciliation of our relationship at some point in the future but am willing to take it one day at a time right now. I fully enjoy the time I spend with all those I still consider as my family and my grand kids through Jan.   Good for you to show the lies that you've told.......There are no lies. I do think that she wonders why I would keep pursuing Jan after our "D" and that I did not do the same with her. I believe this question to be self apparent to all.  This web site and others are being forwarded to the authorities..She just can’t help herself, last letter is that she was not doing anything and just moving on and within 24 hours is back involving the court again. What does she hope to prove? For what reason? Hope she forwards my Blog also, to late :) I already have many times :)  Not printed but just the info to ck it all all out....but anyone can look at these and they will and have.....Wow, did you read the last 11 words? She made everything very clear how her mind works for everyone to see. You also had court interviews of minors posted... Oh another NO NO.... Shame on you both..........Interesting and I think the court will find this very interesting you must be very careful what you post as your lies don't come around to a full circle..She still has never said what one lie is As far as seeking help you and Bruce are the ones who need this.. I have never seen two grown people over the age of 50your in your 50's my goodness Grow up...... to be so obcessed with me...As for me, my blog is to help others understand PA, how it destroys lives, how to recognize it and perhaps, how to address it before it effects children in a more negative way. I also post this very personal part of my life as a testimony to my own experience, PA and the family court system and how it has affected my life and that of my children and family. Lead your blessed lives with all your happiness and leave us the heck alone..I do think that my comment in that blog about language has made a positive effect on her, if only in this one letter, it is a good start as I can’t remember her ever using the word “heck”.  No one cares about you two.... You both moved to Oregon Horray Horray...How does she know that when she said just the other day that the boys don’t know where you live, perhaps she was lying then?  so how can you both be the Tieton Truth and The Tieton Reporter.. Do yourselves a favor and stop while your ahead......I’m not sure how she has included me in this other blog, I just started looking at it.
Several people in the community responded to your BS blog as they are tired of you and your ridiculous hipicritical crap..Dang, it is sad to see a grownup playing make believe with this thing about other people in the community. I saw the comments and do not believe for a second that others would use that language and attacks. I stand by my belief that it is Linda or perhaps, one of the children under her direction.  I am sure a Doctor looking at the writing would agree with me. Quit preaching the religion and pray for people when obviously you need to be prayed for....The whole concept of prayer and religion escapes her and we have prayed for you....... All of those are not from me... so stop the accusations. OK, who are they from? And if they feel as strongly about the writing as they suggest, why withhold their name? .Jan I understand you've been married several times and ran away from home and gave birth at a very young age.Wow, now there is a Christian attack with no facts! this is not even close to a correct accounting of Jans early life. But then the truth, if Linda knew the truth about Jan, is not something she would like everyone to know as it would point out what a strong woman Jan really is Quit preaching and judging look at yourself in the mirror and fix your own life... Why don't you post what I have to say Oh I forgot no truth can be posted.....Seems it is posted because I have seen it and copied it to here. I am not going to waste anymore time on your pathectic lives....And Oh Bruce why would you blog Colton I Love You come visit me this Summer. Because if you show him the whole blog, maybe I will get something to him. Hell he couldn't even if he wanted to too he doesn' and your two others sons don't even know where you live....She just said that she knew, minutes ago in this letter of hers. The cards I have sent all have a return address, my e-mail is the same, my phone number has not changed and I am on face book for all to see, visit and Kaleb and Josh have.  What kind of mental abuse are you throwing his way again..Here we go, here is the allegations and charges and lies again… You abandoned Kaleb, Dakota and Colton... So move on..... Not one weekend visitation in a year and half....You didn't even acknowledge Kalebs marriage....but he had to go along with yours and your bitter wife....What can one say, this is just a reoccurring theme with her. Anyway good luck in all that you do and someday it will come around and bite you back. God will deal with this all in his way, and I see he has already started the process...... Yes, she thinks that my cancer is Gods way of punishing me. I trust in God and that everything is for a reason. I believe that my problems here were and are test of my faith, a test that brought me closer to Christ. This I believe was His plan and the rest is yet to be reviled. I pray for all my sons with all my strength and all my soul.  I even pray for Linda, and at times I think I am sincere and at times, I know I am just saying the words.

Still, if I have learned anything, it is to let go of hate and disappointment. To look forward to what can be. To embrace signs of improvement and to stand firm in the face of anger and mistruths. Because of my love for my savoir Jesus Christ, my sons and all my extended family and church family,,, I believe without a doubt that the power of prayer and the truth and the wisdom of time will prevail, and that my relationship with all my sons and family members will be restored.

April 18, 2011 9:00 PM 

 “He is not here; He has risen!” (Luke 24:6, NIV)

His mission on earth was accomplished! He did exactly what needed to be done to save each and every one of us from the sins that tempt us every single day! The very same power that was living in Christ and allowed Him to arise from the dead is living in each of us if we choose to accept it. The choice is ours! It belongs to each of us individually. Make your choice today! He died for us; let’s live for Him!