Some more very good information and sound advice that we all need to follow!

Some more very good information and sound advice that we all need to follow! 

In most cases, a first marriage begins with the relationship, front and center. Children don't come along until later.

But in a blended family, children are already present when the marriage begins. This is one reason blended families have a higher frequency of divorce. They face several challenges at the very beginning that aren't present in other marriage relationships.

One of those challenges is the priority of the marriage.

When children are present at the beginning of a relationship, the children often become first. They take priority over the marriage itself.

To some people, this doesn't seem like a huge concern. Of course we should focus on our children, they might think. It's good for them! But children aren't the nucleus of a family. Marriage is. And children are a temporary assignment. They are going to grow up and start families of their own.

21-Day Inner Healing Journey A unique and powerful devotional from Jimmy Evans.

God explains His laws for marriage in Genesis 2:24-25. One of these is the law of priority. He says "a man will leave his father and mother." That means the marriage comes first over any other relationship.

If your marriage revolves around your children, what happens at age 18 when they leave for college? What happens when they get married? These kinds of marriages lose their foundation. The husband and wife don't know what to do with each other. That's why many divorces happen among empty-nest couples.

Here are three things I want mothers and fathers in every marriage to remember, whether they are in blended families or not:

First, your children will feel more secure when you are happy and when they see you in a happy marriage.

Second, your successful marriage gives them a vision for the future. They'll follow your lead. Are you giving them a good example to emulate?

And third, when they grow up, you will still enjoy a stable life and relationship. You won't be emotionally dependent on them. This helps them flourish as adults and helps your marriage stay healthy.

How can parents keep their marriage first in priority? One way is to set aside time alone with each other on a regular basis. Karen and I used to tuck our children into their beds at night and then make sure they stayed in their rooms. "This is our time together," we would tell them. "Don't come out unless it's an emergency."

This taught the kids to respect our time. Then, on a regular basis, Karen and I went out for a date night. We let our parents take care of the kids and would spend an uninterrupted night or even weekend together. This time was so vital.

When our children left home, we thanked God we had prioritized our marriage because we had built a strong relationship that wasn't dependent on our kids.

A successful family does not build itself around children, but around the marriage itself. Yes, children deserve your attention. Love them unconditionally. Give them quality time. But don't neglect your marriage to focus on your kids.

Put your marriage first, and remember this: When you work on your marriage, you are doing your children a favor.

Blended families by Jimmy Evans

Dear Bruce,

Fifty percent of all families are blended families. These kinds of family structures—where one or both spouses bring children from a previous marriage or relationship—can be challenging. Blended families have a higher divorce rate because of particular dynamics present at the first day of the new marriage.

In my counseling, I've seen one particular dynamic lead to a variety of problems: non-biological parenting. This is the relationship between a step-parent and stepchildren.

Biological parents often enter a new marriage with a protective instinct. They may come into the new relationship with emotional damage from their past, and that results in a lack of trust.

They may not trust their new spouse with decisions related to stepchildren.

21-Day Inner Healing Journey A unique and powerful devotional from Jimmy Evans.

They may not view the new spouse as an equal when it comes to parenting.

They may think, "They don't love them like I love them."

These attitudes are asking for trouble. In these situations, I've heard one spouse say something like this: "You may not be my spouse the rest of my life, but my children are going to be my children the rest of my life. And if it comes down to a choice, I choose my children."

That's a very dangerous mistake to make in a relationship.

In Genesis 2:24-25, God reveals His laws for marriage. One of these is the law of possession. He says "the two shall become one." Not one-point-three or one-point eight, but ONE. The only way two things can become one is if both husband and wife surrender everything to the relationship.

That means finances, assets, decision-making, and children. Withholding any one of those things—refusing to give it up—becomes an idol. It threatens the marriage relationship.

Because marriage is trust. When you marry somebody, it's imperative that they become co-owners of those children along with you. If you don't trust a person with your children, then you shouldn't marry them.

I do understand that, in the beginning of a relationship, non-biological parents make not have the natural love a biological parent has for his or her child. However, they can love a child by choice. This is the same holy agape love God has for us.

Love by choice is the greatest level of love. It means doing what Jesus would do regardless of emotion or circumstances.

I'm not saying that a non-biological parent's love is better than biological love. Nor am I saying that a non-biological parent should replace the biological parent. But both parents do have to be equal.

While it might be wise at the beginning of a new relationship for the biological parent to enforce discipline—at least until the non-biological parents gains authority— the non-biological parent should still have full rights to that child.

Otherwise, these complicated relationships can drive a wedge between a husband and wife.

Blended families, parent your children together. Follow God's Law of Possession. Make sure the children see you trusting each other and operating as a team.

Blessings,

Blending Families: Parenting and Children

Blending Families: Parenting and Children | Marriage Today | Jimmy Evans 426 views

Avoid PA by working on your marriage!

If we are going to have true intimacy in our marriages, we have to disarm the issues that hinder it. One of those is anger. Anger can be destructive in a marriage.

The first thing I want you to know is that anger is inevitable. It's a normal response. You will never be so spiritual that you don't get angry. Jesus even got angry. Great marriages still have anger.

Anger that occurs today is manageable. There's nothing wrong with it. But yesterday's anger is a very dangerous thing. Ephesians 4:26-27 says, "Be angry, and do not sin: Do not let the sun go down on your wrath, nor give place to the devil."

What that passage means is that anger, if it is not dealt with, can become toxic and destructive. It can harden hearts. It has to be resolved in righteous way. If it is not dealt with—if you let the sun "go down" on it—then it builds in intensity for the next time.

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God never designed us to be a repository for anger. We are made for anger to enter for a brief time, and then leave. Never to stay. That's why the Bible is so insistent on forgiveness, because we can't endure it. Unforgiveness and pent-up anger are corrosive on every level.

Anger leads to a whole system of thoughts—fear, accusations, pride—that can create a destructive barrier between you and your spouse. Every time anger arrives and you don't deal with it, that wall grows higher.

So we must resolve anger in marriage. How should we do it?

First, we need to choose the right setting. Don't do it around the kids. Your children need to watch you relate and talk things out, but serious issues should be handled in private when your emotions are under control.

Second, begin every confrontation with affirmation. Research indicates that a conversation never rises above the level of the first three minutes. The way you start talking to each other dictates how the conversation will end. If you begin with threats, you've already set a negative tone for the conversation.

Instead, begin by saying, "I love you and I'm glad that we're married, but I need to talk to you about something." We're made in God's image, and Psalm 100 says we enter His courts with praise—with positive words.

Finally, communicate your complaint without fixed judgments or interpretations. There's a difference between complaining and criticizing. Complaining is talking about me and my feelings, but without interpreting it—because I don't know what's in your heart.

Criticizing is an attack. It's me telling you how you're feeling and interpreting your motives. It makes the other person defensive. Complaints should be about a specific issue ("You said this and it made me feel stressed out") rather than a global one ("You never do anything around here").

Don't go to bed angry. Create in your marriage a habit pattern of dealing with it every day. When you do deal with conflict, do it the right way: respectfully, with kindness and a tender heart.

You won't be able to avoid anger, but you can avoid its destructive qualities by never letting it fester. Don't let the sun go down on your anger.

 Taking time to enjoy each other and all the blessings that God gives us. Love you Baby :)

Letter from a child

Divorce is rotten thing, work it out. 

For Gods sake what ever you do, keep the kids out of your arguments and do not use them as a tool to hurt your spouse. All that really does is hurt the child and he or she should be your main concern...think about it.

Save the kids from your fight!

Unmarried or divorced father stats

Fathers who have never made the commitment of marriage or even of sticking around.

 

There was a time when fatherlessness was high on account of death. But: "A surprising suggestion emerging from recent social-science research," Popenoe points out, "is that it is decidedly worse to a child to lose a father in the modern, voluntary way than through death. The children of divorced and never-married mothers are less successful by almost every measure than the children of widowed mothers ... . And there is reason to believe that having an unmarried father is even worse for a child than having a divorced father."

And the statistical analyses of the US data are showing that children from a fatherless home are:

20 times more likely to end up in prison;

32 times more likely to run away.

20 times more likely to have behavioral disorders.

14 times more likely to commit rape;

Nine times more likely to drop out of high school;

10 times more likely to abuse drugs;

Five times more likely to commit suicide;

Nine times more likely to end up in a state-operated institution;

Two times more likely to have children during their teenage years;

The litany of disaster continues in the US statistics:

85% of all children that exhibit behavioral disorders come from fatherless homes;

90% of all homeless and runaway children are from fatherless homes;

71% of all high-school dropouts come from fatherless homes;

71% of teenage pregnancies are to children of single parents, so the cycle continues;

75% of all adolescent patients in chemical-abuse centers come from fatherless homes;

63% of youth suicides are from fatherless homes;

80% of rapists come from fatherless homes;

70% of juveniles in state facilities come from fatherless homes;

85% of all incarcerated youths grew up in a fatherless home.

Researchers have found that for children, the results of their mothers abandoning the marriage bed are nothing short of disastrous, along a number of dimensions

We ignore the problem of father absence to our peril. Of perhaps greatest concern is the lack of response from our lawmakers and policymakers, who pay lip service to the paramount importance of the "best interests of the child," yet turn a blind eye to father absence, ignoring the vast body of research on the dire consequences to children's well-being.

How appropriate that Justice Alito brought up cellphones in the recent Supreme Court hearings on the marriage cases. Because these days it seems like it is easier to get out of a marriage than it is to get out of a cellphone contract.

It is no secret that marriage is in a state of severe crisis in America. And while academics, statisticians, and pundits may quarrel about the exact divorce rate or its causes, no one would deny that the widespread legalization of no-fault divorce beginning in the early 1970s saw an explosion of divorce in this country.

Yet as social conservatives, and even many liberals, wring their hands about marital and familial breakdown, few seem to question whether our experiment with treating marriage like a restaurant experience-order what you like and send it back if you change your mind-is worth reconsidering.

Instead, no-fault divorce has become an assumed feature of the landscape of unbridled American freedom. Whereas once freedom in this country meant the right to live a good life, the ability to be a moral agent in the human enterprise, the chance to chase happiness, it now increasingly appears to mean the right to do whatever you want whenever you feel like it, regardless of whom you destroy in the process.

No-fault divorce is destroying women, children, and men. More precisely, divorce destroys marriage, and the destruction of marriage harms every party involved. The legality of no-fault divorce just makes it infinitely easier to hurt people. There are no two ways about it. No one comes out of a divorce a happier and more whole person.

Particularly offensive no-fault divorces are those where one spouse is protesting. In these cases, one spouse is literally abandoning the other (and frequently the children as well), despite having made public vows and having signed a contract before civil and religious officials stating their lifelong commitment to his or her spouse.

In this country you can come home from work and tell your spouse the marriage is over and he or she can do nothing but cry, and fight for the best financial payout possible. Try doing that with Verizon. Or while under contract to buy a home. Or with your gym membership. You'll get laughed at.

Eighty percent of divorces are unilateral. The legal sanctioning of human abandonment must end.

The family court system needs to do a much better job of keeping families together and combating the Evils of Parental Alienation.